


Your Constant Heartbeat

by anyothergirl415



Series: Heartbeat!Verse [1]
Category: Real Person Fiction
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-22
Updated: 2010-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:48:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 39,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyothergirl415/pseuds/anyothergirl415
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was the real possibility Chad had loved Christian Kane from the very moment they met in ninth grade. But nothing would have prepared him for that love to be tested when an accident landed Christian in a coma for five years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

  


“I’m gonna be hella famous. You’ll see. I’ma be a big ass movie star and you’ll have to tag around as my arm candy.” Chad leaned back on the hood of the truck, elbows hooking on the metal and digging in. He smiled over at his boyfriend with an air of _smug_ that he knew was tangible but he didn’t mind.

As usual, Christian didn’t seem to mind either. He laughed and shook his head, tilting to the side until their shoulders bumped. “No way. For you? I’d say high class gay porn, at best.”

“Oh fuck you.” Chad rolled his eyes but he laughed too because it was probably the truth. Well, not the high class gay porn thing. It wasn’t like Christian would let him do porn anyway. He was very much the jealous type. Head falling to the side, Chad considered his boyfriend then looked away to watch the sunset. “I don’t think I want to go to college.”

“No? What are you going to do then?” Christian asked like they hadn’t had this conversation a dozen times. That’s how it went when you were three months from graduation; it was familiar ground with them. He would, he wouldn’t, he would. Safe to say, Chad was unprepared for his future.

“I don’t know man. We should just load up the truck and go you know? We should see all the states, cruise around Canada, then head down to Mexico and learn to surf. We could stop every now and then get random jobs to earn more money. We’d be like gypsies; we could do whatever we wanted.” Chad rolled his hip along the fender until they were against Christian’s and their chests were pressed together. “You wanna be a gypsy with me, Christian?”

“Long as you don’t call me Esmeralda,” Christian muttered. He wrapped his arms low around Chad’s waist, fingers linking together over his ass. “Jared would miss you.”

“I’ll send him some post cards.” Chad exhaled the words with a smile, pressing his lips to Christian’s neck and sighing softly. “Every now and then I’ll send a box of chocolates, keep him happy.”

“You know what I think?” Christian’s head was tilting back just enough to give Chad more room to kiss and make his words sound deeper.

It sent ripples of pleasure down Chad’s spine and he moaned softly and rocked his hips forward. “That it’s secluded enough up here to fuck me in the truck without anyone seeing?”

“Jesus Chad,” Christian’s fingertips slipped under Chad’s jeans and massaged at the mounds of flesh. “I’m being serious.”

“And I’m not?” Chad laughed softly and pulled back enough to meet his boyfriend’s gaze. “What are you thinking Christian Kane?”

“That,” Christian paused, smiling softly and pressing forward so their lips could meet in a gentle kiss. When he spoke again, it was as a murmur against Chad’s mouth. “Doesn’t matter what we do, where we go. Long as I’ve still got you, that’s all I want.”

  


“Oh god Christian, you won’t even believe this.” Chad said with a quiet buzz of excitement as he pushed open the familiar wooden door. Everything about this room was commonplace to Chad. The smell of disinfectant and ammonia, the steady faint sound of beeping, the low murmur of the TV always left on during the day when Chad wasn’t there. And the sight.

Christian.

There.

“Jensen proposed to Jared.” Chad pulled up the chair at the side of the bed and tugged it closer, dropping onto the familiar blue cushion and rolling the table over in order to set his bag on top. “I know, I was just as shocked. How much does he not seem like the marrying type? You remember in high school, they broke up oh, twenty times a month at least.”

The sheets had been changed while Chad was at work today; he could tell because that morning he’d made a point of pulling Christian’s arms free and now they were covered once more. Chad didn’t care what everyone else said, he knew that Christian hated sleeping with the blankets smothering him. So he delayed his dinner and stood, slipping the blanket down and gently resting Christian’s hands on top.

“Jared said it was all very romantic. Candles and a fancy dinner Jensen cooked himself. He even played the guitar, I’m sure you’d have been so proud.” Chad’s hands slid up Christian’s arms and brushed along his jaw, passing once through his hair and sliding free.

Something tight pinched in Chad’s chest and he swallowed thickly, blowing out a slow breath. He knew this feeling, he’d lived with it for five years now and it never got better. Sometimes, managing to deal with it was just a little bit easier, sometimes he could ignore it a little bit better. Now though? In the wake of his best friend’s engagement, Chad was feeling it like a cold weight settling in the pit of his stomach.

Before the tears pricking at his eyes could form completely, Chad dropped back in his chair and reached out for the table again. “Oh you know, I talked to Mark at work, apparently he agrees that the customer was out of line with their comments. I wasn’t being rude or _smarmy_ as she put it. But I guess you can only do so much. Customer being right and all.”

No one called him insane but Chad knew they thought it. Either that or he caught the looks of pity and that was almost worse than being called insane. Chad didn’t want their pity. He didn’t want them to think he had any sort of mental issues by still being here, still talking to Christian after all these years. Even when the doctors said…

“Man, fuck that place though.” Chad cut off his own thoughts by talking too loud, mumbling around a mouthful of sesame chicken. “I’m sick and tired of Mark’s holier-than-thou bullshit. Like he doesn’t mess around on company time doing god knows what on his computer.”

Chad worked in a call center for a carpet cleaning company. Every day he went into a plush office in business casual clothes and scheduled appointments for people across the country. He knew everything there was to know about Mr. Fresh Carpet Cleaning, even when knowing the name felt like far more than he ever wanted to know. But it paid the bills, it got him out of the house, and even if he sometimes hated it, Chad knew he needed some sense of purpose since he didn’t seem to make much difference anywhere else.

“You think I can convince Jared to wear a dress to his wedding?” Chad looked up from his food and over at his boyfriend. A long time ago Chad had stopped waiting for an answer. Some people said talking to him mattered, that wherever his mind was during this coma, it was still close enough to hear Chad. On good days, Chad believed it. On bad days, it was never so easy.

Today was a mediocre day.

Chad stopped talking because always hearing his voice was painful. Christian was laying there like he had been for the past five years. His hair was longer, thick and golden. The nurses wanted to cut it but Chad said no and since he was the only one who kept coming day after day, they listened to him. So they washed it every second day and sometimes Chad did it for them, just to remind himself that Christian wasn’t as lifeless as he occasionally seemed.

Silence.

Chad was pretty familiar with that too. When he wasn't at work or being forced into social interactions by Jared the only voice he heard was his own. Chad was of the firm belief that acknowledging he was talking to a man who likely couldn't hear meant he _wasn’t_ insane.

It was really impressive just how many things Chad could justify in his mind.

"My birthday is next week," Chad noted quietly, casually, like Christian was just a boyfriend who'd likely spaced it out. Yes, the truth was more painful. "Please no surprise parties, you know I hate that."

It was just his imagination he knew but Chad could have sworn Christian smirked a little.

  


Chad was late.

It wasn’t like he hadn’t been late before but this was a different matter. It was actually kind of a fucking big deal. Because it was Christian’s graduation party and Chad was forty five minutes late. Things just got a little out of hand sometimes. And Chad hadn’t been paying attention. And he _knew_ things were pretty rough for Christian lately with his family so really, he should have been there.

Here Chad was though, running the ten blocks to his boyfriend’s house and seriously hating on his mom for taking the car to work.

When he got to the house, the party was already in full swing. Chad stopped to bend over, resting his hands on his knees and sucking in deep breaths. Really, running the whole way was one of his more stupid moves and that was saying something.

“Dude, where have you been?” Jared’s hand slapped down on Chad’s back in a hard smack and Chad groaned.

“Fuck Jared,” Chad panted softly and shook his head. When he managed to push himself up, he smiled weakly at Jared and shrugged. “I kinda crashed, over slept. Is he pissed at me?”

“I don’t know.” Jared mumbled, looking over his shoulder and sighing. “We all called you a few times.”

“Oh shit, yeah. My phone totally died. Fuck.” Chad patted his pockets then realized he wasn’t carrying _anything_ and his eyes widened. “Fuck. _Fuck_. I forgot my gift for him. Shit, I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”

“Well, maybe not ever.” Jared wet his lips and ran a hand through his hair. “He’ll forgive you. He always does.”

It was pretty true. Chad was, well, a fuck up. He was good at that, fucking everything up. Chad just barely passed his classes, he still hadn’t decided on whether or not he was going to college and sometimes it was so much easier to just mess around than take life seriously. He was barely eighteen after all, it wasn’t like he had to be a grown up.

“You good?” Chad gripped Jared’s arm and squeezed. It was a day by day thing with his best friend. Sometimes he was awesome and completely in love, other days it was a miracle he wasn’t slicing his wrists or something.

Jared grinned and Chad felt relieved. He really couldn’t handle a friend melt down on top of being late. “M’good. You better go find your boy.”

“Yeah, I better.” Chad nodded slowly and tried to resist the urge to linger. He kind of hated moments like these. Not like he didn’t want to see Christian, he _always_ did, but he knew his boyfriend was probably mad at him and Chad hated that. Actually, he hated _disappointing_ him and that was probably going to be the look he was going to get.

Chad knew everyone he passed and if he lingered around each… well, it was only because he was a friendly guy. He laughed and hugged and kissed cheeks of jocks just to get the punch in the arm and the near anger. No one would fuck with Chad. It wasn’t as if Chad was a particularly scary person. It was Christian. You didn’t mess with Chad if you didn’t want to risk Kane kicking your ass.

So Chad got away with a lot of shit and it was kind of a thrill to have that sort of power. It was one of a million different reasons why dating Christian Kane was the absolute best thing in the entire world. Well that and Chad was basically head over heels in love with Christian - that was the top of the list a million times over.

“Hey Chad! Lookin’ good!”

“Murray, go long!’

“It’s _Chad_ , did you bring the beer?”

Chad weaved through the people with a grin and a hand wave, a shrug of his shoulder, a laugh. There was definitely something to be said about popularity. It was a driving force; it boosted his ego and made his heart swell. Also, the attention was a little addictive and he couldn’t be blamed for enjoying it.

Then he rounded the corner and walked right into his boyfriend.

“I heard them calling your name.” Christian frowned slightly up at him, stepping back to run a hand through his freshly cropped hair. He’d been growing it out but he’d cut it in order to please his mother. Chad liked it longer but he supported his boyfriend in all ways. Short hair and all. “You’re late.”

“I know.” Chad said softly, picking at a piece of stray fabric on Christian’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I fell asleep.” He smiled sheepishly at Christian, leaning against the wall and stepping closer.

“Your phone was off.” Christian pointed out, the frown on his face deepening until little lines curved on the sides of his lips. “I called four times. My parents were fighting and I needed you here.”

Guilt pinched in Chad’s heart and slid his hand up through his hair. “My phone died. I forgot to charge it. I’m really sorry Christian, I was just exhausted ‘cause I was up late last night. Was the fight really bad?”

“Everyone could hear and my dad stormed off to the bar but otherwise, no, not really.” Christian’s voice was thick with sarcasm and Chad winced, folding his arms across his chest and sighing.

“Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to be an asshole.” Chad whispered and picked at the edge of his shirt, staring down at his hands. He hated when Christian was even remotely upset with him. “I should have been here.”

“Yeah, you should have been.” Christian nodded, looking past Chad’s shoulder for a long while.

It wasn’t silent or anything, the party around them was in full swing but Chad could feel the weight of the words not being spoken. He hated it. Reaching out, he grabbed Christian’s arms and tugged him hard down the hall, weaving through people and ignoring their knowing smirks. Everyone knew he and Christian were a couple, they had been for years now and outside Jared and Jensen, they were the only out gay couple. It tended to give them a bit of a reputation and Chad was pretty sure if Christian wasn’t so damn scary sometimes, they’d have more issues then they did.

So despite the knowing looks and smirks and eyebrow waggles Chad didn’t stop moving until he and Christian were in his boyfriend’s room, the door closed behind them. He wrapped his arms around Christian instantly, pressing closer even as his boyfriend kept his body stiff. “Come on, I slipped up. I’ve done it a thousand times. I’m gonna be a fuck up my whole life but you said you want that.”

“I never said I want a fuck up. I said I want you. There’s a difference. You’re not a fuck up Chad; you just make stupid choices sometimes. A lot. And this was a time I really needed you.” Christian sighed and dragged a hand up through his hair.

Chad could feel Christian’s agitation and he didn’t blame him. If he were Christian, he’d probably have already broken up with himself. Which… made no sense but whatever. “Christian, I love you. That’s gotta be enough sometimes yeah?”

“Not always Chad. Really, not always.” Christian mumbled but his shoulders relaxed a little and his arms slid around Chad’s middle. “How are we supposed to have a life together if you’re always running late to everything?”

“Maybe we’ll just have to move in together. Then, you know, you can keep me on time.” Chad let his nose run through Christian’s hair, smiling softly.

Once more Christian’s shoulders tensed but this time it had little to do with being angry. “You- yeah? You want that?”

“Pretty much have forever Christian.” Chad pulled back a little and grinned down at his boyfriend. “So you wanna?”

“Fuck yes.” Christian laughed and leaned up, crushing their lips together in a rough kiss.

Just like that Chad knew everything was going to be okay. And he was going to prove, at some point, that he was a worthy boyfriend. In fact, he already had part of that in mind. Like the graduation present he’d gotten for his boyfriend which was an envelope of all his graduation and birthday money and a handful of printed fliers for nearby apartment buildings that looked promising.

So maybe he didn’t have all his plans worked out but he only needed to know so much. And mainly that was just, Christian.

  


“Congratulations Jensen.” Chad smiled at his friend when he pulled the door open, offering out a bottle of wine. Jensen stepped forward and squeezed his shoulder, leaned in to kiss his cheek because, that was the way Jared had taken to greeting his friends and Jensen sort of picked up the habit Chad supposed. Or maybe, most people had taken to automatically sympathizing with Chad when they saw him.

“Thanks Chad. Oh, a ’64 Merlot, wow. Where did you get this?” Jensen spun the bottle in his hand, smiling in surprise up at Chad.

Tugging the scarf from around his neck, Chad hung it on the nearby wall hook and shrugged out of his coat. “It was part of the collection. Christian had never wanted to keep them all, he had them ranked on the shelf, that one was one of the ones okay to give away.”

“Oh.” Jensen nodded slowly and Chad didn’t have to look up at him to know his smile wavered slightly.

Chad knew this was rough on Jensen. It was rough on everyone. Christian and Jensen had been friends since middle school and it was really because of Jensen that Chad and Christian had met in the first place. But, it was different for Chad. After all, Jensen still had Jared, he had a body to rest against each night, and someone to kiss and hold him.

Chad had a hospital room and the hope provided by a heart monitor.

“Jared, Chad’s here,” Jensen called as he turned and part of Chad wanted to laugh. Yeah, he was pretty used to that too. People weren’t often able to determine what to say to him now-a-days.

Because Chad didn’t follow the rules. He spoke about Christian when it was supposedly something to be ignored. Like a deep and dark secret. But Christian would never be that to Chad. Christian was still his boyfriend, was still the man Chad was in love with and he wasn’t denying that.

"Chad, it's good to see you." Jared swept around the corner still wearing his chef's coat, making him look even more grown up and official than usual.

Chad was always greatly amused by the way Jared greeted him. Like they hadn't seen each other in months or spoken on the phone hours before. "Would I really turn down an offer of your cooking for free?"

"You know I would never make you pay if you came into the restaurant." Jared laughed and hooked his arm around Chad, pulling him further into the apartment. "You never come see me at work!"

"Neither do you," Chad pointed out with a smirk, leaning against the counter and watching the subtle way Jensen's hand grazed Jared's arm as he passed. When they shared a private smile Chad looked away because it hurt.

"You work at a call center Chad, I'm not gonna come watch you answer phones." Jared laughed, taking the wine bottle from Jensen to open. "You should seriously come by though Chad, there's this guy... he's a waiter, named Mike. He's really cute and he’s single and-"

"I'm not single." Chad said in a quiet voice close to a hiss. Both Jared and Jensen looked at him and Chad shook his head. "I'm not interested. I'm taken."

"Chad it's been five years." Jared whispered, lips turning down in a frown. "What if he never-"

"Stop it. Stop." Chad was seconds away from covering his ears. He couldn't do this now. Or ever really. "Please Jared. Not tonight okay? This is about celebrating your epic romance."

Jared and Jensen shared a look but when Jared looked back he nodded. “Yeah, okay. We won’t do this now. So tell us about work, any news on the promotion?”

This was very much Jared and Chad smiled sadly down at his hands. Some point along the line Jared had taken a very _motherly_ role in Chad’s life. It was always, are you eating enough? Are you sleeping enough? Is your heart any better than it has been because we all know you’re broken but we don’t know how to fix it? Of course, Jared never said that but Chad could see the look in his eyes.

"We haven't heard yet. Hopefully by the end of the week." Chad nodded, smiling gratefully at Jensen when he offered a glass of wine. Chad needed alcohol right now if he was going to make it through dinner. "It's looking promising though."

Jared nodded and turned to the stove and Chad felt compelled to say all the things he was doing well at work. Because Jared had somehow become this super business man. Jensen had majored in business, Jared had gotten a culinary degree, and they'd used Jared's inheritance from his grandparents to open a restaurant. They started with one good review in the paper and now, less than a year later, they were one of the most popular places in town.

Chad had long since accepted he would never be as successful but he was trying. "I saw another glowing review of the restaurant online - are you still booking up months in advance?"

"We are." Jensen nodded and grinned. "But we always have a Chad table ready. So you know you're welcome any time."

"I know." And he did, Chad was more than aware of his friends’ over protectiveness.

Because these were his best friends, because they knew him well, and because they cared, they shifted the conversation to easier things. All it took was one mention of the engagement and Jared was off, rattling about potential plans, gushing about how wonderful Jensen was with the proposal. They shared loving looks, held hands, stared adoringly into each others’ eyes.

It was enough to make Chad envious in the worst way. But they were so happy; he couldn't ruin that just because he wasn't.

“And Chad,” Jared reached out and grabbed Chad’s hand, squeezing roughly. “I want you to be my best man. I know Jeff is probably gonna kick my ass but he’ll get over it. So yeah? You’ll be my best man?”

Chad smiled and nodded, squeezing Jared’s hand back. “Yeah of course. Definitely.” He had to force his smile to stay in place because thinking about the wedding made his heart sting. Because weddings were those places where he couldn’t escape couples, they were thrown in his face and it would be a constant reminder that the man he loved, the person who meant more than the world to him, was not there.

“Christian would want you to be happy Chad.” Jensen said quietly and Chad must have zoned out because both Jensen and Jared were looking at him like they knew exactly what he was thinking about.

Of course, that was a pretty easy guess. “Sure he would. He would also wait for me if I were the one in a coma.” Chad’s voice was tight. He grabbed his glass of wine and drained it. He could barely finish his meal which was a pity because Jared was an excellent cook. It was no wonder Chad had lost so much weight over the last five years.

“You don’t know that,” Jared said in a whisper and flinched when Chad looked sharply up at him. “I don’t mean Christian would just give up on you but, Chad, honestly. It’s been five years, you know this. The doctors aren’t giving him… there’s not much hope. How long are you willing to wait?”

“For the rest of my life,” Chad whispered just as quietly as Jared had begun. He sighed when Jared and Jensen simply stared wide eyed at him. “Neither of you get it. No one does, but god. Jared, if it were Jensen, if he were the one in a coma, would you move on? Even after five years. Would it ever feel right?”

Wetting his lips, Jared sighed softly and glanced toward Jensen. “I would never want to move on, no.”

“But I would want him to move on.” Jensen pointed out, taking Jared’s hand and squeezing it. “Chad, what kind of life do you have? You spend half your time at the hospital, and the other half hiding at home thinking about him. Is that really what you want?”

“Jesus.” Chad stared at the both of them for a long moment each before sliding back, pushing up out of his chair. “And what if he wakes up? What if I try to move on, force myself to go out on dates, force myself to stop having feelings for him, then he wakes up? Think about it seriously. If - _when_ \- he wakes up, he’s not going to know five years have passed. It’ll be just like one day. And no one else is there for him; no one else will support him. Even if I didn’t love him with all my being, I would never _ever_ let him go through that alone.”

This argument had been hashed over before. At least three or four times a year Chad was defending his choice to continue waiting for Christian. It got harder each time, because he knew his friends were simply concerned for him, and it wasn’t like they didn’t care for Christian but in truth, it was impossible to know when the man would pull out of his coma. Chad most often chose to ignore the doctors who told him it was likely too late.

“Chad.” Jared was standing by this point, and he reached out to Chad, taking his hand and tugging him back to the table. “We know. We just wanted you make sure you knew it was okay to move on. You don’t have to keep living this way. Christian would understand.”

“It’s not guilt Jared. It never has been.” Chad whispered and slowly sank down onto the chair once more. “The only thing that has ever kept Christian and I together is love and it will always be that way. Even if he never…“ Chad didn’t finish the sentence – he couldn’t even finish the thought - but the looks on Jared and Jensen’s faces tell him he didn’t have to.

  


"Come on Chad, I hate surprises. Where are we going?" Christian groaned and slumped, kind of on the seat but mostly on Chad.

A satisfied smirk played across Chad's lips and he knew he could get away with it because his boyfriend was currently blindfolded. "And they say I have zero patience. Jesus."

"You do have zero patience; clearly I've picked up this quality." Christian sighed dramatically but Chad didn't even have to look to see the smile lighting his words. "A hint?"

"It's a building." Chad offered, laughing when Christian smacked him. "This won't be the only time we go here even if it's the first." He was pretty sure that was a good clue and it did seem to keep Christian distracted for the remainder of the drive.

Christian didn’t venture another guess until they were pulling into the parking lot and into a spot. “Did Jared introduce you to a new favorite restaurant that has the best fried cheese in the world?”

Chad snorted a laugh and shook his head until he remembered that Christian was blindfolded and couldn’t see that. “No, not a restaurant. Good guess. Only, Jared would want to take you to one of those because you know how he likes to impress anyone who will listen about his oh so amazing food knowledge.”

“Yeah, true enough. So uh, toy store? Like, sex toy store?” Christian smirked which actually looked a bit creepy considering the blindfold covering his eyes. Like some twisted version of a sexy Cheshire cat. Chad never thought he’d think the words _sexy_ and _Cheshire cat_ at the same time, but then this was Christian Kane after all.

“No, it’s not a sex toy store. But if you’re interested in finding one, we should. Maybe not while you’re wearing a blindfold, we don’t need to broadcast your kinky ass.” Chad smirked and kicked his door open. “Stay. I’ll come ‘round to get you.”

Christian wasn’t pleased by this plan, which was pretty obvious by the time Chad made it around to the passenger door. His boyfriend grumbled and only half willingly let Chad tug him out of the truck. That was okay with Chad, he could handle playing dub-con - it was kind of hot.

“Dude, seriously, I’m not about to kill you or something. Can’t I surprise you and prove how awesomely amazing I am?” Chad laughed and looped his arm around Christian’s shoulder, dragging him toward the open hallway and down the cement path. He was a million times more grateful they didn’t have to go up any stairs because no matter how much Christian trusted him, there was no way Chad was getting him to do that blindfolded.

“Better get some good sex after this,” Christian muttered and leaned slightly into Chad when his boyfriend dragged him in closer.

Laughing loudly, head tipping back, Chad fingered the keys in his palm and came to a stop in front of the last door on the left. “ _I_ better get some good sex after this.”

Chad unlocked the door and led the way inside, grinning at the couch and TV, the fireplace and mantel, the kitchen just to the side. For the first time since he’d picked Christian up fifteen minutes ago, Chad felt nervous. What if Christian didn’t like it? What if he wanted to be part of the choosing process and would say no to moving in? Chad wanted his own apartment but he wanted it _with_ Christian.

“Okay, stand right here.” Chad positioned Christian in the middle of the living room and stepped back to close the door, running a hand up through his hair and breathing in raggedly before coming up to Christian’s back. He smiled when his hands settled on Christian’s shoulders and the man didn’t even flinch. “Ready?”

“God, come on Chad. I’m getting disorientated under this thing.” Christian muttered, already reaching up for the blindfold.

Chad slapped his hand away and laughed before reaching up to untie the back of the blindfold. He stepped to the side as the material dropped in his hand, wanting to see his boyfriend’s face. It was a little anticlimactic; the man just looked confused. And alright, that was understandable because they were just in some random living room in Christian’s mind but _still_.

“Where are we?” Christian finally asked, looking along the walls, eyes lingering on the TV. “Hey, isn’t that…”

“My TV. Our TV.” Chad nodded slowly and gripped Christian’s wrist, squeezing softly. “This is our place.”

“Our- what?” Christian’s eyes settled on Chad, widening slowly. “As in, our, this is an apartment. And it’s ours?”

A smile twitched on and off Chad's lips because he wasn't really sure what to make of Christian's reaction thus far. "Well, yeah. Our place. I told them I'd bring you in to sign the lease once you saw the place. Assuming you wanted it."

"But, how?" Christian wandered away from Chad and over to the kitchen, touching the counters like they might dissolve at any moment. "Seriously Chad, who in their right mind rents an apartment to two gay, unemployed, barely graduated high schoolers?"

"Hey, I resent that, calling me gay. Sheesh." Chad tried to smile but Christian only glared so he sighed and folded his arms over his chest. "Okay so maybe Jensen's aunt owns and runs this place but seriously. I've already paid the deposit. And two months of rent. That gives us time to get employed."

"Two months? Where did you get the money?"

By this point Chad was getting a little annoyed that no one seemed to believe he could be capable of something like this. The disbelief he’d gotten from Jensen when he’d first asked about his Aunt’s building had nearly scarred Chad. He sighed and walked over to the couch, dropping down with a heavy exhale and propping his chin in his palm as he watched his boyfriend pace.

“What?” Christian finally turned to look at him, steps faltering. “Chad, that look. Come on. Did you seriously think I wouldn’t have questions?”

“I just wanted to show you, I mean, I’m not all shit. I can do awesome things. This? This is an awesome thing. I got us a place to be, just you and me here. Our own place. I’ve taken care of two months’ rent and I even have three interviews. Man, I know I’m shit sometimes and I fuck up a lot and that sucks but please, give me a little credit here.”

Before Chad had even finished speaking Christian was there, kneeling before him and laying his hands on Chad’s knees. This was a thing Chad would never be able to name, the way he felt when his eyes locked on Christian’s. He felt bad for anyone who never got the opportunity to lock eyes with Christian Kane because they were a shade of blue you simply wouldn’t see anywhere else.

“Chad, listen to me.” Christian slid his hands up and grasped Chad’s, squeezing tight enough it almost hurt. “You are absolutely not a fuck up. You have moments, you make mistakes and it complicates things sometimes but you know what else you are? You’re the most loyal, loving, amazing person in the entire world. My life isn’t complete without you and I’m not just saying that. I love you more than I love anything or anyone in the entire world. I want to live here with you; I want to have this amazing life here. And if I’m freaking out at all it’s only because you shocked the hell out of me with this.”

“You really want to move in?” Chad asked in a tight whisper, emotion catching the words in his throat. Damnit, he hated when Christian got him all worked up like this. He totally wasn’t good at handling the emo parts of himself. Next he’d be wearing tight fitting black all the time and writing poetry in a notebook he kept in the pocket of skin shaping jeans.

“Of course I do, you idiot.” Christian laughed, grinning up at Chad. “We will make it work. I’ll get a good job, we’ll set up house.”

Chad’s heart fluttered at the thought and he pressed forward, shoving his lips hard against Christian’s. A low moan fell from his lips almost instantly when Christian pushed up and their chests touched, arms wrapping around each other. As usual, like all the other times their lips touched and their bodies rocked together, Chad felt like his heart might literally explode.

“Please say-” Christian gasped between kisses, head falling back as Chad’s lips descended along his neck and slid over familiar patches of honey warmth. “There’s a bed.”

“Mm. Yeah, never gave you the tour.” Chad murmured along Christian’s neck and pushed up, tugging Christian along with him.

Their lips were still passing and sliding together as Chad pulled him back through the living room, around the corner and to the small hallway there. “Bathroom.” Chad slapped at one door and then tugged Christian with him to the other door. “Bedroom here.” He dropped his hand, twisting the knob and pushing the door open with his shoulder.

“Nice,” Christian muttered into the kiss, slipping his hands under Chad’s shirt and pushing at the material. He lifted his head long enough to tug Chad’s shirt off, tossing it across the room.

“You didn’t even look.” Chad grumbled, laughing when Christian’s fingers skittered across his sides. “Christian- Chris- stop. _Stop_.” Chad laughed harder as he twisted, trying to squirm away from Christian’s moving fingers.

“M’lookin’ and it’s nice.” Christian said through breathy, deep laughter, groaning softly when his hip bumped into the dresser. “How’d you get all this furniture anyway?”

“I’m a prostitute on the weekends.” Chad snorted and tugged Christian toward him, pulling at the man’s shirt until he could slip the buttons free. “You like it?”

“Chad? I like the room. It’ll look even better with my stuff in it.” Christian smirked at Chad and spun them both, sending Chad tumbling in a less than graceful arc down onto the king sized bed taking up most of the room. “Nice big bed. Gonna take advantage of it, teach you how to be a proper little whore.”

“Oh, I like it when you talk to dirty to me like that.” Chad smirked at Christian, flipping over onto his back and sliding his fingers under his waistline, flicking the button free. He watched Christian’s hips swerve back and forth as he practically danced his way out of his jeans. “Look at you move honey pie - sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Honey pie?” Christian’s brows lifted and he laughed, pushing his boxers down and grabbing the edge of Chad’s jeans, pulling them sharply from his body. “Don’t you start with those sappy names. I’m not going to be calling you baby or sweetie or love muffin.”

“Aw but love muffin has such a nice ring to it.” Chad laughed and hooked his thumbs under his boxers, lifting them over his already swelling cock and pushing them down. Christian dipped down and kissed his way up Chad’s body, gently pressing his lips along Chad’s calf, the inside of his knee, up his thigh. And really? Chad didn’t need Christian to call him sickly sweet names, there was no doubt the man loved him from the way he never failed to worship him.

“Should really have something that uses your name.” Christian murmured against Chad’s hipbone. “Like, Chadkins or Chaddylove.” Christian grinned up at him and it was enough to have Chad squirming even as he laughed.

“That’s ridiculous. You’re ridiculous. Why aren’t you fucking me now?” Chad smirked and reached out, threading his fingers through Christian’s short hair and sliding up. “Grow your hair out.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m already on it.” Christian chuckled and pulled back enough to flip Chad over onto his stomach, the low rumbling laugh continuing when Chad pulled up automatically onto his hands and knees. “Such an obedient little boy.”

“Oh fuck you.” Chad mumbled, bending down to bury his head in the pillow.

“No, I believe I’ll be doing the fucking.” The snark in Christian’s voice was tangible but so were the smile and the fondness and Chad loved every moment of it.

Then he stopped thinking because Christian’s lips were slipping along his ass, down the curve of his spine, tracing and tasting; only occasionally broken by moans. The feel of a slick warm tongue running over his entrance had Chad shuddering, his hips rocking back into his boyfriend’s mouth. It was so dirty hot when Christian licked him out like this, lapped along his entrance, trying to get deeper and further within him.

Sometimes when it was like this, Chad felt like Christian was trying to consume him, taste and touch every part of him, worship him with licks and touches and the most mind numbing pleasure imaginable. Like this, with Christian’s tongue running over his skin, Christian’s fingers pressing into his tight hole, Chad felt like he was invincible. It was like Christian strengthened him, made him more powerful, and made his heart swell until he was surprised he didn’t burst.

“Christian, I need you.” Chad half whimpered, half moaned, twisting around to stare at his boyfriend with nearly pleading eyes.

“I know.” Christian whispered and kissed his way up along Chad’s spine. “You got some things?”

“Mm.” Chad smirked briefly and fell forward again, slipping his hand under the pillow and tossing the bottle of lube back. “Make it happen.”

“Fuckin’ slut. See, good whore.” A laugh echoed between them but Chad wasn’t given the opportunity to return it any way. Christian was nothing if not diligent in fully claiming Chad in every single way possible. And they both liked it more than a little rough sometimes.

So when Christian thrust hard into Chad with only the brief preparation of a finger or two before, Chad wasn’t all that surprised. Instead he was clutching the blankets and moaning low in his throat, shuddering from the way his body twitched and shook with the rippling waves of pleasure. Chad bit down on his lip to keep from moaning too loud, hips snapping back against Christian’s swift forward thrust.

Nails curved and slid along his skin, tracing down Chad’s back and digging just the right side of painful into his muscles. Pulling at the pillow, Chad slipped it beneath his head and used the cotton and fluff to muffle his moans. He knew how loud he could be, and that wasn’t the type of first impression he wanted to make with the neighbors.

“C’mon Chad, wanna hear you.” Christian’s fingers tangled up into Chad’s hair and pulled up, freeing him from the pillow as his hips drove forward in sharp, deep thrusts.

“N-neighbors.” Chad managed to gasp, sucking in sharp greedy breaths to manage any words at all.

“Don’t fuckin’ care. Gotta hear you Chad.” Christian growled and his hands curled around Chad’s hipbones, digging in and holding Chad there so each thrust rocked all the way through him.

Any further protests he had vanished when Christian drove his hips forward and hit Chad’s prostate, shooting a ripple of sparks up Chad’s spine. He moaned loud and long, fingers tightening into fists around the blanket. A hand slid down and wrapped around his cock, jerking fast, pulling and twisting, squeezing in all the right ways. Christian knew exactly what to do to drive Chad insane and he was taking advantage of it now.

Not that Chad was complaining in the slightest.

When he came he lost track of the world around him. Like everything was tilting off its axis and there was only Christian slamming over and over into his prostate and sending him spiraling into some dizzying pleasure that was impossible to name. Chad loved it, the rush of adrenaline and endorphins, the way Christian always seemed to drag out his name when he hit something close to a purr.

They collapsed down onto the mattress in a boneless slump, panting and sweating, bodies still connecting. Chad slipped in and out of awareness, vaguely registering Christian pulling free, wiping him off, and slipping them both under covers. Then soft lips pressed along his jaw and Chad smiled sleepily, snuggling back against his boyfriend’s chest as strong arms wrapped around him. “S’good welcome home sex.”

“Gonna have to do that any time either of us gets home.” Christian mumbled and Chad could hear his smile. “I love you Chad.”

“I love you Christian.” Chad echoed the sentiment and slipped his fingers through Christian’s across his chest. He didn’t think he’d ever feel as happy as he did at that moment, but then, their life together was just beginning and maybe those happy moments would only increase with time.

  


In the seven years Chad had lived in this apartment it hadn't changed much. The most had come during years one and two, when Christian was constantly bringing in random art that he'd been unable to pass up on, even if he knew Chad would bitch and moan over it. Really Chad only had because he knew Christian expected it.

During the last five years the changes were so few and far between Chad could count them on one hand: the small box he had in the corner for Christian's mail. Chad had taken care of the bills but he saved the magazines, especially the guitar one Christian had always loved to browse through and drool over; the calendar on the wall, kept only because he had to remind himself of days passing to try and maintain some sanity; and a few more books and movies added to the shelves, filling in the little holes with cheap artifacts that did nothing but disguise abnormality.

Everything else though was the same. All of Christian's clothes still took up half the closet and drawers; his coat was still hanging on the edge of the footboard. His guitar was still on its stand in the corner of the room. His toothbrush was still in the holder on the bathroom sink; his cologne still sitting half empty on the dresser – the amount slowly going down as Chad sprayed little dashes on clothing just to remember, even if it was never good enough. It was all like Chad expected him home at any time. And mostly, he did.

The scent of the man had long since faded from the pillows but Chad still slept with his arms curled around one. He often wished they'd let him sleep at the hospital but they never had and Chad stopped asking. It was alright, he supposed - sleeping next to Christian’s lifeless body would be just as unsettling as sleeping in their bed all alone.

But he’d had five years to get used to that.

On this night, a Thursday (though it could have been any other day of the week and the routine wouldn’t have changed); Chad came home to silence, carrying his bag and smelling of the hospital. Visiting hours were only until seven but all the nurses in the long term care unit knew him and most cared enough to let him stay until eight or nine. Even with Christian’s inability to answer or acknowledge him, it was better than being home without him.

Jared had suggested Chad get a puppy or at least a fish, someone to keep him company. Jensen had suggested he move. His parents had offered their spare room. Chad didn’t want any of that though. He wanted this place because even if the smell of Christian was mostly gone and the silence was occasionally maddening, this was still their home. There were memories here. Chad could close his eyes and imagine.

This was what he did this Thursday. He’d long since canceled cable, no reason to keep it on when he could get by on the basic channels he never really watched anyway. Instead he played the tape he’d recorded of Christian playing his guitar. Chad had played it so many times the songs were slightly long drawn and the place where Christian caught him was almost indistinguishable. That was alright, Chad had heard it enough he had it memorized.

Christian had been on the bed, strumming his guitar and singing softly when Chad had come home. Back then he’d worked for the city, cleaning parks and streets and by the end of the day he was exhausted. This made it worth it though. Chad had fumbled around and found his tape recorder then slid it just inside the room, sitting along the wall and listening.

There were twenty or so minutes of Christian singing random lines and blurring one melody into another. Then the tape fluttered with static.

Laying on the bed now, eyes closed, Chad clutched his pillow a little tighter and mouthed the words as the tape played them in a mumbled growl.

“Chad, you little dipshit, how long have you been there?” Chad hadn’t answered, it was just Christian, his laugh, Chad’s a fainter background noise. Then another muffled thump, Christian dropping onto the floor and crawling toward him. “Gross dude, you smell.”

“You love my stink.” Chad whispered in time with his voice on the tape, as his eyes pricked with tears.

“No, I tolerate your stink.” And right here the tape was so garbled Chad couldn’t decipher it anymore. Because he kept rewinding and replaying it. But he didn’t need to decipher the words, just the tone of Christian’s voice and he knew what was being said.

It was, _I missed you today. I was writing a song for you, then I realized there weren’t words strong enough to say how I love you._

On the tape Chad laughed and now? He could barely breathe. Because it had been so long since he heard Christian really say that. So many days, weeks, months, years. Sometimes Chad didn’t know how he kept going, how his feet continued motion, how his heart was still beating. Sometimes he felt like he was living in a fog and no matter how hard he tried, nothing would penetrate it.

“Why?” Chad whispered to no one, flipping over to turn the tape off. He had to ration himself now; pretty soon it wouldn’t play at all. Tears burned down Chad’s cheeks and he squeezed his eyes shut, inhaling deeply. “Christian, why?” Chad asked his pillow and curled up in a ball.

And this was how knew nothing else in life could hurt him. Because this was hell. If he could live through this, he could live through anything.


	2. Chapter 2

  


These were the kinds of moments Chad could drown himself in.

Half draped over Christian’s body on the couch as their lips met and slid together in a familiar dance. Now-a-days, with all the working and _real life_ , their time was limited and sometimes it was the little things that mattered the most to Chad. Growing up was kind of a pain in the ass; Chad missed the days when they were sixteen and hiding away in Christian’s room, making out on his bed.

Everything had been so fresh and new back then, sometimes Chad worried they would lose that. But here they were, years later, and it still made his stomach roll and clench with excitement when they kissed and Christian’s hand slid through his hair, cupped his head. And his skin prickled with awareness when Christian’s fingers slipped under his shirt and pushed up along his back. The way his body hummed with life was kind of its way of telling him that they would always have this.

Until of course a knock at the door interrupted them and Chad groaned, pulling back from the kiss and looking up at his boyfriend. “Can we just ignore them?”

“It’s probably Jared.” Christian pointed out with a soft smile. Which was likely true. Neither of Christian’s parents ever came to visit and Chad’s always called first. Jensen wasn’t the type to just show up either so yeah, Jared was a likely conclusion.

“Blow job says it’s Jensen’s fault this time.” Chad smirked slightly even as he pushed off the couch and shook out his clothes, running a hand through his hair to smooth it back down.

“I’ll take that bet.” Christian smirked, straightening up on the couch and just briefly palming at his crotch before dipping his head in a nod.

It was a pretty easy bet to take, either way they’d both be winning so Chad simply laughed, shaking his head as he headed for the door. Sure enough, there was Jared, tears in his eyes and hair sticking up all over the place. “Oh Jared.” Chad sighed and stepped out, taking his sleeve and pulling him into the apartment. “What happened?”

He barely resisted adding _this time_ to the end of the question. After all, this had been going on for as long as Jared and Jensen had been together. It was always one of them screwing things up and saying something stupid. Then they’d fight – never anything actually physical – and Jared would turn up wherever Chad happened to be, looking wrecked and miserable. Christian and he had started making little bets about a lot of things.

Like, who was responsible for the fight. Or how long it would take until Jensen showed up or Jared took off to apologize. It hardly ever took more than an hour. In fact, the longest time to date was two and a half hours and that had only been because they’d fought while Jensen was at work and he hadn’t been able to track Jared down until after he got off. They were different as a couple in a million ways, this was just one of the greater ones.

“J-Jensen,” Jared sucked in a sharp breath through sniffles and shook his head roughly. Christian was already up off the couch, heading for the kitchen to get a glass of water and the tissues. This was a well practiced routine. “H-he, I made, I brought home-”

“Hey, Jared, come sit down.” Chad guided his friend across the living room to the couch by his elbow. Mainly because Jared was hyperventilating and Chad was definitely not strong enough to catch Jared if he happened to black out from his rapid breathing.

Once Jared was down on the couch and Christian had returned with the water and tissues, Chad felt a little more capable to handle the latest meltdown. Christian sat on the arm beside him and Chad leaned back against his legs, fixing his gaze on Jared and watching him drink. Neither of them tried to press Jared for details, they knew everything would come with time.

“It was, after school today.” Jared inhaled deeply and Chad frowned at the catch in his breath. “I brought home ex-extra food. I said, said it was just from class. And he just- he- I never said it w-was mine and-and-”

“Jared,” Chad reached out and took his hand, squeezing softly. “What did he do?”

“He didn’t like it!” Jared all but sobbed the words, tugging his hand free so he could bury his head in his palms.

This surprised Chad enough that he let out a burst of laughter before he could help it. His hand hastily slapped over his mouth when Christian’s knee dug into his back and he turned his gaze away swiftly. Yeah, Jared and Jensen fought _all_ the time and sometimes those fights were over the most ridiculous things. This? It had to be the most pathetic. And it was very, very _Jared_.

When Chad was sure he wasn’t going to laugh again, he dropped his hand, exhaled and turned to Jared. “Come on man, I’m sure he didn’t mean it like that.” Chad reached out to lay his hand on Jared’s back, rubbing softly and as comforting as he could manage. “What did he say specifically?”

Jared blew his nose loudly and dropped his hands to his lap, clutching the Kleenex like his life depended on it. “He said…” Jared sighed and rubbed at his eyes slowly, frowning over at Chad and Christian. “He said it was too salty and made his tongue feel dry. I didn’t tell him it was mine, just said it was leftover. But that’s- I mean, that’s how he really feels huh? He’s been lying to me all those other times.”

“Jared,” Christian sighed and nudged Chad over so he could drop onto the couch and reach out to clutch Jared’s arm. “I know for a fact that’s not true. Jensen has always said good things about your cooking. And come on, you’re just starting out in school, you’re going to have dishes that aren’t the best.”

A frown continued to tug at Jared’s lips and he slowly nodded, sniffing loudly once more. “I know. But you know, I mean, it’s just he didn’t tell me right? I mean he wouldn’t have, if he had known it was mine. But he didn’t so he was honest and that _hurt_.”

Before Chad could even say another word the door burst open. Chad jumped and Christian instinctively clutched at his arms, protective in a way that made Chad’s stomach flip. “Jesus Christ, Jensen, don’t you know how to knock?” Chad huffed, annoyed that Jensen had caught him so off guard.

Jensen didn’t pay any attention to Chad though. He was already crossing the room to Jared who was now standing and he grabbed his hands, pulling him forward. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. Just because I didn’t like that one dish doesn’t mean I don’t like your cooking because I do. I really do. That’s why I support you with this culinary school thing and why I want to one day open a restaurant with you and support you there. You can only get better with time you know? And you’re already amazing so jus-“

“Shut up Jen,” Jared whispered and pressed forward.

Chad looked away when they kissed. Not that he didn’t find their two best friends ridiculously hot together – because frankly, he’d be more than on board with watching them get at it – but their kisses post-fight were always a little desperate. It made Chad feel weird inside, all uptight and tense.

A warm hand settled on the middle of his back and Chad turned into Christian, laying his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I love you,” Christian whispered into Chad’s hair, pressing just a little firmer against his skin.

That was definitely one of the best things, when Christian just randomly told him he loved him. It always made Chad’s heart flutter and he pulled back enough to smile up at his boyfriend. “Stop being so amazing, it makes me hate you.” Chad smirked and gently kissed him.

“Yeah yeah,” Christian chuckled and slid his hand up into Chad’s hair before clearing his throat. “Hey Schmoop Queens, can you take that elsewhere? Because Chad and I were kind of in the middle of something.”

“Oh.” Jared pulled back and looked toward them, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry guys. Sorry, I- I promise, I’ll make you guys a killer cake or meal or something to make up for it.”

“Just don’t make whatever you brought home to Jensen.” Chad mumbled and Christian elbowed him hard. “Uh yeah, sounds good Jared. You boys have fun.”

“Thanks again.” Jensen half waved and dragged Jared out of the apartment, muttering something low under his breath that made Jared laughed.

When the door was closed behind them, Chad turned to Christian and climbed across his lap, sliding his hands up into his hair. “So, where were we?”

“Allow me to remind you.” Christian smirked and pulled Chad in again so their lips could meet.

  


Chad had been staring at Christian for so long now, when he blinked the form of the man was there imprinted against his eyelids. It was a bit surreal but it certainly wasn’t the first time it had happened. Some nights Chad came in and talked to Christian, just talked and talked and talked about everything that he could possibly think about. Other nights, like now, he simply sat in silence because he couldn’t think of anything worth saying.

Right now, Chad couldn’t even say how long he’d been in the room. He was definitely zoning out. Which was likely why he didn’t hear the door open and wasn’t aware of anyone else there until a hand touched his arm.

Blinking up slowly, Chad stared at Jared’s chest for a moment before tilting his head up. “Hey. What are you doing here?”

“I was looking for you.” Jared said quietly and turned, walking back across the room to grab the extra chair and bring it over to Chad’s side. “Why are you here Chad?”

Staring at Jared in disbelief, Chad swallowed thickly and looked back at Christian in the bed. Always there, eyes closed, chest gently rising and falling, the heart monitor turned down low but Chad could still hear the faint and constant beat. Lifting his hand, Chad slowly slipped his fingers along Christian’s palm and squeezed. There was no squeeze back.

“I can’t just leave him alone in here.” Chad whispered and reassured himself with the little things, like Christian’s warm skin. “You know, some of these patients never have anyone visit them Jared. Christian deserves better than that. I would be here always if I could, twenty four seven.”

“Chad.” Jared’s fingers curled around Chad’s wrist and gently pulled back, a deep and heavy sigh leaving his lips. “I talked to Meg out there at the front desk before coming in here. She said Dr. Winslow came to talk to you today about this.”

Ah yes, this had been the reason Chad hadn’t had anything to say to Christian when he came in the room. Why he was only staring. Dr. Winslow had caught him on his way out of the elevator. At first Chad’s heart had leaped with the possibility of some improvement, like somehow they’d just forgotten to call him.

Then she’d taken him into her office and it hadn’t been anything he had hoped for. Chad couldn’t remember the details, just the keywords. _Less than five percent likely to wake._ _Might consider cheaper care, hospice environment_. _Time to move on_.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Chad whispered, throat tight, eyes locking on Christian and staying there.

“We have to be realistic here Chad,” Jared murmured and Chad could hear the chair squeak on the tile floor when he moved back.

For some reason that grated at Chad’s nerves more than the fact that Jared was still pushing this topic.

Chad’s eyes shot to Jared and he scowled. “It’s not _we_. You don’t get a say in what happens to him. This isn’t for you to decide.”

“And it is for you?” Jared didn’t back down and Chad wasn’t that surprised.

Chad knew what it was. Jared was worried about him, he had the best intentions in mind but there was no way he could see this through Chad’s eyes. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? If not me, who? Who gets to decide Jared?”

“Dr. Winslow will ask his parents. You know it’s just a matter of time. Chad, I know. This… it hurts, I get it. But- it’s been- you know how long it’s been. Did you listen to her? The percentage of him waking-”

“Stop-” Chad choked on the word and held up his hand, slowly shaking his head. “Come on Jared. Can’t you just be here to visit, to say hi to Christian? Why does it always have to be this? Why are you always trying to get me to get over him when it’s never going to happen?”

Chad had just been asking in theory, he didn’t think there wasn’t a _real_ reason. Only the look on Jared’s face shifted and tensed and Chad realized with a sickening twist of his gut that there really was more to it.

“What? What is it?” Chad nearly gasped, not ready for anything more. He was keeping his life together on the head of a pin, anything happening could throw it all off in ways he wasn’t likely to be able to handle.

“Jen got a call from Mrs. Kane.” Jared whispered and slid an arm across his chest. “Apparently, Dr. Winslow talked to them earlier today.”

In the five years that Christian had been in this hospital, Chad had only seen Christian’s parents three or four times. When it came down to it, they hated him and Chad certainly wasn’t that fond of them. Their issues were too many to be named and on more than one occasion Chad had needed to hold Christian up after a family fight. He was also fairly sure they hadn’t come and seen Christian in more than a year so it _killed_ him that they might have any authority over his care.

“Chad, they want to do as the Doctor suggests. You know it’s cheaper and they’ve been paying for everything. I know you guys don’t get along but-“

“Don’t get along? Jesus Jared, they didn’t even _call_ me to tell me they are going to move him. They told Jensen and had you tell me. That’s not, _not getting along_. That’s fucking hate. And why the fuck do they get to decide what’s best for him? They don’t even care about him!” Chad was nearly seeing red, panting heavily as he attempted to keep from yelling. He had told himself that he would keep yelling of any sort out of the room. He didn’t want Christian to feel that energy.

“I know Chad, I know.” Jared sighed and dragged a hand through his hair. “But come on, you have to think logically about this. Please, think about what would be best for Christian.”

“Do you even know what that place is?” Chad whispered, inhaling deeply again. He couldn’t have this conversation, he _had_ too but he was in no way ready for it. “People go there to _die_ Jared. Is that what you want? You want to send Christian to some place, some human storage unit he can just live in until he finally just kicks the bucket?”

“God, Chad.” Jared gasped softly and pressed fingers against his mouth. Chad watched tears prick along Jared’s eyes which made him feel like shit, of course. “You know I don’t want that. I’d bring him back if I could; I wish I had that power.”

Chad looked over at his boyfriend then closed his eyes, clenching his fingers into fists for some type of control. “I guess it’s not my choice so it doesn’t really matter what I want does it?”

“It won’t happen right away.” Jared whispered and Chad could hear fabric shifting like maybe he was reaching out but thought better of it. “They’ll need to get through the details first; it’ll probably take at least a month.”

“Fucking fantastic.” Chad muttered and it felt like his heart was shattering, falling apart in pieces all around him. “Can you just- will you go now? I want to be alone with him.”

“I’m sorry Chad.” Jared whispered and finally grasped his arm, squeezing softly. “Call me soon okay?”

“Okay.” Chad whispered in return, keeping his eyes closed.

He waited until he couldn’t hear anything then slowly opened them, looking toward the door. Pushing silently out of the chair, Chad crossed the room and looked out into the hall. The nursing staff numbers were always low in the long term care unit, because there really weren’t that many long term care patients. Chad had been coming for so long they usually left him alone; he was counting on that tonight.

Slowly closing the door, Chad leaned his forehead against the cool wood for a moment before turning and walking back to Christian and the bed. He stepped up to one side and tugged at the sheets just slightly, shifting Christian across the mattress until there was room on the other side. This wasn’t technically allowed, Chad was breaking the rules, but this was a moment he needed now more than anything else.

Chad kept his hand on Christian’s body as he walked around the bed, dragging down his leg and back up another. Then he slipped out of his coat and draped it over the chair before climbing onto the free side of the bed, slipping under the blanket. A little negotiating of Christian’s arm and Chad was able to tuck himself into his boyfriend’s side.

“Please.” Chad whispered laying his head on Christian’s chest and listening to the beat of his heat. “Please Christian, wake up. Don’t leave me alone.”

Never in his life had Chad believed in God. It just wasn’t the type of person he was and nothing had ever really happened to make him change his mind on the issue. But over the last five years, Chad had found himself praying to some deity he didn’t completely believe was out there. Because if there was someone, if _anyone_ could hear him, then he had to send out his request. It was important enough. Christian was important enough.

“Please.” He gasped the word and beneath him Christian’s hospital gown was warm and wet, drenched with tears Chad could no longer control.

Of course, there was no answer. And no arm curling around his body. Chad wished he felt a little bit better laying there against his boyfriend’s side but he was fairly sure he only felt worse.

  


Before he’d even pulled the keys from the lock Chad could tell something was wrong. Weirdly enough, it was the silence that gave it away. Because Christian was not the type to sit at home in silence. He always had something playing - the TV if a game or something was on, but mostly it was music. Christian loved a wide variety and on any given day Chad might come home to the man playing his guitar, or Elvis blasting over the stereo. He’d long since stopped being surprised by it.

Now though, it was simply quiet and Chad’s heart quickened. Maybe he knew his boyfriend that well that he could sense that something was _off_.

“Christian?” Chad called out, slowly closing the door behind him and turning the lock. “Where are you?”

As it turned out, Christian was on the bed. He was sitting in the middle, staring down at photographs spread out in front of him. Chad watched him from the bedroom door for a long moment, head tilted to the side caught between curiosity and confusion.

“Hey.” Chad whispered, toeing off his shoes and sliding them up against the wall. He set his keys on the dresser then turned, drawing up in surprise when he caught the look in Christian’s eyes. He knew what that look of pain was. “Shit.” Chad almost gasped and crossed the room quickly, crawling up onto the bed and pressing up against Christian’s side. “What happened?”

“Got a call from my mom.” Christian’s voice was tight and gravely, his body slumping against Chad slightly. “She wanted to get together for lunch, so I went by.”

Chad’s shoulders tensed on instinct. He knew it was never a good thing when Christian went back to his parents’ place. It had gotten worse and worse since they’d moved into this place. Even though they’d been here for almost a year, Christian’s parents were having a really hard time adjusting to it. Of course, their extreme dislike for Chad didn’t really help issues all that much. “Was your dad there?”

By far, Christian’s dad was the worst.

“No.” Christian exhaled the word and his entire body shook when he breathed in. “Just her. Just- she had this box.” Christian flicked at the box to his side with his fingertip and Chad looked over, staring at the extra photos there. “All these photos, me as kid, the family, vacations and school. Every single fucking picture of me in the entire house.”

“Fuck.” Chad had a pretty damn good hunch where this was going and it really didn’t sound good. He didn’t want to believe it but he knew. The emotion in Christian’s voice spoke volumes.

All at once his attitude changed from solemn and morose to angry and intense. His arm snapped out with enough force to drive the box against the wall on the other side of the room. “What the hell is wrong with them? Why can’t they love me even if I love you? What the fuck type of parents are they?”

Chad had seen this side of anger from Christian before.

Sometimes it was directed at him but Christian never hit or threw things his way. Right now Christian was only feeling this because not being accepted by his own flesh and blood was the hardest thing he’d ever had to deal with. From the moment they’d found out Christian and Chad were together, Christian’s parents had been vehemently against it.

In fact, if Chad’s parents hadn’t been supportive of the relationship, Chad was a little uncertain how they would have made it to this point. But he knew how it hurt Christian, when his whole life he’d been striving to be the best he could be for his parent’s sake. Mrs. Kane giving Christian those pictures was almost like dismissing him from the family. Chad was so angry on his boyfriend’s behalf, he wanted to pick up the box and throw it all over again.

“Is how we feel really that wrong?” Christian asked in a tense whisper.

Chad watched Christian’s calloused fingers curl in on themselves and clench, almost in time with the way his heart ached in his chest. Moments like these, Chad wasn’t even sure if it was okay to reach out for Christian, like touching him would breaking some boundary at this point. Over the last year or so Chad had been a little thrust into the real world, with bills and jobs and everything, but right now, times like this, he felt kind of childish.

“Chad?” Christian finally looked over at him and the panic Chad was feeling must have been clear on his face because Christian’s shoulders instantly relaxed. “You know I don’t think that.”

“I know.” Chad said instantly and shook his head. This wasn’t about him. This was about Christian and Chad was desperately trying to prove to his boyfriend that he was amazing enough to handle these situations without freaking out. Or not being there at all. “Christian, I don’t know why your parents can’t accept you but it’s their fucking loss. Seriously, if they don’t even know what they’re giving up then clearly they’re more ridiculous than I thought.”

A small smile twitched on Christian’s face and he looked away, sighing softly as he reached out for a photo. Chad could see it from the side; it was Christian and his mom. Christian was just a little boy and he looked so happy in his mom’s arms, grinning and posing like having his picture taken was the best thing ever. That was definitely not the way Christian felt about photographs now.

“I’m going to miss them.” Christian whispered and dropped the picture, closing his eyes.

The strangest type of guilt pinched at Chad’s heart and he finally gave in, reaching out to wrap his arms around Christian and pull him against his chest. “You’ll see them. Of course you will. Christian, they’re still your parents; they’re not going to completely disown you.”

“You know what she said Chad?” Christian shoved at pictures, pushing them off the mattress. He flopped back and sighed heavily, stretching his arms out to the side. It was second nature for Chad to stretch out beside him and settle onto Christian’s shoulder, stretching an arm across his middle.

“What did she say?” Chad finally asked when Christian didn’t automatically volunteer more information.

“She suggested that maybe it was a good idea not to come back over for awhile.” Christian whispered after at least five more minutes of silence.

Chad sucked in a sharp breath and whispered so it didn’t sound so loud in the silence of the apartment. He could really hit Christian’s mom right about then and normally he would never strike a woman. Loathing that deeply made it hard to think straight. “That fucking bitch.”

“Hey, still my mom you know.” Christian mumbled but his arms slid tight around Chad and squeezed roughly. “I think it’s the end.”

“You will _always_ have me.” Chad managed to get out without sounding like he was upset as he was. “I promise you Christian. I am not going anywhere.”

“I believe it.” Christian said with a soft nod and smile.

When their lips met it was without the usual amount of heat their kisses had when Chad got home from a long day at work. But it was soft and tender, loving and sweet. Chad was trying to tell Christian through action alone that he could never imagine anyone more perfect. He couldn’t say for sure that Christian was taking exactly that from it but Chad liked to believe so because they got each other on that level. And for all he cared, Christian’s parents never had to be part of their life ever again.

  


To be honest, Chad half expected an intervention when he showed up at Jared's place. In the two weeks that had passed since they'd last spoken, Chad had mostly avoided phone calls and was only going now because Jared was threatening to stalk him at work, and that really wouldn’t go over so well while he was attempting to get a promotion. He looked around the parking lot as he headed inside, checking for his parents’ car or anything that might suggest he was about to be ambushed.

When it seemed like there was no one about to pounce on him, Chad headed into the apartment building and up the stairs. He liked Jared and Jensen’s place; it was big and warm, homey in a way his wasn’t because of the silence. Plus, Jared was one of those guys who just seemed capable of decorating a home. And still incapable of dressing without looking like a box of Crayola crayons Chad still wasn’t very sure how that happened.

“There you are! I was starting to wonder if you were going to bail,” Jared said by way of a greeting as he tugged the door open and grinned at Chad. “I’ve made the best bruschetta, you have to come and try some.”

“Sounds- what the hell is bruschetta?” Chad frowned slightly, shrugging out of his coat and hanging it on the rack.

“It’s an appetizer, Italian. Mainly it’s tomatoes and garlic on bread with some olive oil, basil and vinegar. I’m considering it for the menu at the wedding. You know they serve appetizers with cocktail hour, right after the ceremony so the guests can have drinks and snacks while we take photographs and things.” Jared was guiding Chad through the apartment now, leading him to the kitchen.

Chad smiled a greeting at Jensen who was at the table peering at his laptop with squinty eyes. Then he turned his gaze back to Jared and sighed. “Does that mean I don’t get any appetizers because I’ll be taking pictures with you?”

“We’ll make sure you get plenty of appetizers, Chad.” Jared laughed softly and slid a plate of tomato covered bread to Chad before turning back to the stove. “Jen, clear off the table okay? Dinner should be ready in a few minutes.”

“Yes sir.” Jensen laughed, teasing, but Chad watched him follow the request almost instantly. It surprised him sometimes how much they’d grown in the last few years.

“So you’re already working on wedding plans huh?” Chad asked quietly, picking up the bread and taking a careful bite. It was good, unsurprisingly. Jared was a fantastic cook. “Set a date?”

“Yeah, six months from tomorrow actually. Saturday, March 23rd. It’ll be nice weather, cool and crisp, and we had our very first official date on that day.” Jared grinned over his shoulder at Chad, tilting up the spoon from the pan to sip. “Tony and Marcus from the restaurant promised to do the cooking, Sandy’s going to take photographs. Jensen and I need to go in to get our tuxes, but of course I’m waiting for you. We can work around your schedule and get yours at the same time.”

“Holy crap, you’re really on top of this huh?” Chad laughed softly and shook his head, polishing off the piece of bread. “I definitely think this should be an appetizer. You planning the full menu?”

“But of course.” Jared laughed then cut off when the doorbell rang. “Listen Chad…”

Jensen was answering the door, Chad could hear laughter and he frowned curiously, stepping away from the counter to peer down the hall. He didn’t recognize the tall man standing with Jensen but they hugged like old friends. “Come on Mike, this is Chad. And Chad, this is Mike; he works at the restaurant with us.”

Something cold trickled down Chad’s spine and his eyes shot over to Jared suspiciously, narrowing slightly when Jared so pointedly kept his gaze elsewhere. He forced a smile onto his face and looked back at Mike, taking his proffered hand to shake. “Nice to meet you, Mike.”

“You too, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Mike smiled back but Chad was pretty sure it wasn’t forced.

This was just _fantastic_. Leave it to Jared to plan this, sneak up on him, and thrust this man in his face knowing that Chad wasn’t a big enough asshole to just brush him off. “Yeah, I’ve heard quite a bit about you too.” He dropped his hand the moment he could and nodded, turning to walk to the fridge to get something – preferably strong – to drink.

“Here Mike, let me show you around the place.” Jensen swept Mike out of the kitchen, talking cheerfully and only slightly forced.

Jared glanced a little sheepishly over at Chad, his smile hesitant. “Mike’s just come over for dinner, no big deal.”

“I can’t believe you.” Chad hissed, snagging a beer from the fridge and bumping it shut with his hip. He stepped close to Jared and angrily twisted the cap off the beer bottle. “I’m not interested in this Jared, you know that. Why would you do this to me? Why would you put me in this position?”

“There’s nothing wrong with meeting someone new, Chad.” Jared said back in the same quiet hiss, jerking the spoon at Chad with enough force to splatter sauce on his clothes. “Even just a friend, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is though Jared. It is. Because you’ve told this guy I might be interested in more than just a friendship and that’s not the case. Give me one good reason I shouldn’t leave right now.” Chad wiped at the sauce on his shirt, scowling at his supposed friend. Right now he wasn’t so sure he could call Jared a friend at all.

“Just do this for me Chad, one night, no obligations. You don’t need to see him again; you don’t even need to think of it like that alright? Just some friends having dinner. The socialization will be good for you.” Jared’s expression softened and it was definitely a look that could be classified as _puppy dog_.

Sighing softly – the sign of giving in – Chad slowly nodded and slumped against the counter. “Alright. Fine. But _just_ for tonight and this means nothing. It’s just getting out of the apartment.”

“I believe you.” Jared nodded and smiled, turning to the food once more.

Resigned to the idea of spending the night on a forced double date, Chad decided draining the beer in one go was his right and privilege. He didn’t want to do this, even if it meant nothing at all and it was only friends hanging out, Chad felt dirty. Like he was cheating on Christian or something.

It only got worse when the meal began.

Mike turned out to be a pretty nice guy. He was friendly and chatty, talking about the restaurant then movies, shows he liked, books he enjoyed. Between Jared and Jensen, there was never a lull in the conversation and Chad forced himself to answer any direct questions just so he wouldn’t be rude. Plus, the food was pretty good. But sitting there beside Mike and laughing at his jokes made Chad want to curl up in a little ball and hide.

That was one of the harder things Chad had struggled to control over the last few years, being in any way happy and allowing himself to feel it. Every time he felt the slightest warmth in his heart, or smiled for too long, or laughed without forcing himself, Chad got caught between pain and guilt. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that Christian would want him to be happy, he was sure the man would, but Chad didn’t _want_ to feel happy without Christian around. He couldn’t explain it and he was fairly certain no one would really get it.

“Why don’t you two head to the living room and chat? Jen, help me with the dishes?” Jared stood quickly and gathered up their plates the moment their meal was done.

Chad scowled at Jared but he stood and grabbed his glass of wine, allowing Mike to lead the way to the living room. When Mike sat on the couch Chad made a point but taking the chair along the side, far enough away that his message would be clear.

“You don’t like me much huh?” Mike asked with a soft smile, fingers curling and uncurling slowly around his glass.

Chad looked up at him, only mildly surprised. It wasn’t like he was being the most socially pleasant person. “It’s not that. I’m sure you’re a great guy. I’m just… with someone. So you know, not really looking.”

“You are? Oh, I thought, Jared said you weren’t. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

The kicker was, Mike really did look sorry. It made guilt churn in Chad’s stomach for a moment and he was frankly rather tired of that. “He’s in a coma.” Chad blurted out. Normally he had a little more tact on the subject but his nerves were a little grated at the moment.

“Wow. Really? That’s, holy crap.” Mike frowned at him, face slightly slack with shock. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah, Jared’s on this kick about me seeing someone else but I’m not interested. So, sorry. I didn’t mean it to come across as me being rude; I’m just, still involved with Christian.” Chad bobbed his head in a slight nod, staring down at his drink. Now he wished he’d been a little nicer about it because Mike looked completely shocked.

There was silence for a few minutes then a hand slid over his arm. Chad looked up in surprise, seeing Mike pressed on the edge of the couch and reaching out for him. “Christian huh?”

Something pinched in Chad’s heart. It had been a long time since he got to talk to someone about Christian that didn’t already know the man. He didn’t discuss him at work and no one ever asked. Chad’s lips twitched in a slight smile. “Yeah. Christian Kane.”

“How long have you been together?” Mike asked quietly, taking his hand back but still leaning closer to him.

Chad liked how he asked that, not like they were once together and broken up, but like they still were. “Since I was fifteen. It’ll be our ten year anniversary in a few weeks.”

A small smile pulled at Mike's lips then disappeared. "How long has he been..."

"In a coma?" Chad supplied with a sad smile. Mike nodded and Chad sighed. "Five years."

"Jesus." Mike's eyes widened than closed. "And you're still waiting?"

"Everyone says I shouldn't, which is why Jared did this. But I just, I know he's going to wake up. I have to believe that." Chad inhaled shakily, cursing himself for being upset at all. Especially in front of Mike, who was a complete stranger and certainly didn’t need to see that side of a man he didn’t know. “I’m still as madly in love with him as I was before. If that hasn’t changed after five years than why should it ever?”

“Wow. God.” Mike clutched his arm again and matched Chad’s sad smile from before. “You’re amazingly loyal.”

“That’s really got nothing to do with it,” Chad pointed out softly. “Do you want to see a picture?” Chad asked in almost a whisper, smiling just a little brighter. He _never_ got to show off pictures.

Mike smiled back and nodded. “Yeah, let’s see a picture.”

Shifting up a little Chad pulled out his wallet and flipped it open, tugging out the one picture he carried around of him and Christian. He offered it out to Mike, swallowing thickly. “That was, just a little before the accident happened. His hair is longer now.” Chad loved the image, he was on Christian’s back, arms spread out in the air. Both of them had brilliantly matching smiles and Christian’s arm was tucked back under Chad’s ass, keeping him up.

“He’s gorgeous.” Mike said quietly and slid his finger down the edge of the picture. “You both look really happy.”

“We were.” Chad whispered, taking the picture back and staring at it for a moment before slipping it back into his wallet. “We will be again someday.” A soft sigh fell from his lips and he half shrugged before looking up. Jared and Jensen were standing in the doorway, talking in quiet undertones. Chad was pretty sure they were completely misinterpreting the situation but he wouldn’t correct them just yet.

Things took a different turn after Chad had told Mike the Christian story. Mike seemed to loosen up in a different way, he was much more cheerful and he didn’t seem like he was trying to make any sort of impression. Chad was relieved and he loosened up in turn, smiling and even laughing as they all settled in to play Rock Band on the Playstation 3.

Weirdly enough, Chad’s mind didn’t go to the place it usually did. He thought about Christian, how much he’d love for his boyfriend to be here, to see this game and to play along. Christian would definitely love this type of game. But this time he didn’t feel the ache in his heart when he thought about all the things that had changed in the world since Christian’s accident.

It was nice to not automatically go there, if just for a little while.

Because it was the middle of the week, everyone called it a relatively early night. Chad was a little surprised when Mike hugged him goodbye but he promised to say hi the next time he came in the restaurant. Jared nudged him, like he was encouraging him to offer his number or something but Chad didn’t and Mike didn’t seem like he expected it.

When Mike had gone, Jared snagged his arm before Chad could follow. “You two were hitting it off, right? I didn’t imagine that.”

“Look, Jared, I’m going to say this one more time and that’s it, we’re not doing this again.” Chad turned to him, glancing over at Jensen just behind him and sighing. “I’m not looking to date anyone. I told Mike about Christian and he gets that. You need to get that too. You need to respect that I’m not at a place where moving on is an option. I know you’re worried about me, I know you care but _Jesus_ you need to let me be on this.”

“Why can’t you see it’s killing you?” Jared snapped harshly enough it made Chad flinch. “Have you really looked in the mirror recently, Chad? Have you seen how pale you are, have you seen the bags under your eyes? Because you’re falling apart and if no one offers to help you then you might never be okay.” Jared was almost shaking him by this point, gripping his shoulders so hard it hurt.

Chad stared at him with wide eyes and did the only thing he could do. His palm lifted and he slapped hard across Jared’s face. He wanted to punch him, wanted to shove him away, but he was sensible enough to not cross that line. As it was, Jensen was already between them, acting as a barrier of protection before Jared and Chad. His fingers were driving hard against Chad’s shoulder, shoving him back - though just the force of his glare would have done the trick.

“Chill out.” Jensen half hissed, half whispered, his free arm wrapped protectively back around Jared.

Looking up, Chad watched as Jared touched his bright red cheek. His eyes were watering slightly but the pain on his face was less physical, Chad knew it. Just like he knew he couldn’t take this anymore, Jared and Jensen and their idea that he needed to get better. He was going to wait for Christian and if his friends couldn’t support him in that then he was just going to do this alone.

“Do me a favor, both of you, and just butt out of my life. I don’t need this shit anymore. If you can’t support me than leave me the fuck alone. Because Christian _never_ gave up on me, not once, even after all the stupid ass mistakes I made and you know what? I’m not going to _ever_ give up on him. So support me or not, but don’t pull this shit anymore.”

Chad left before either man could respond. He would give them time to think it over but his decision was made. It would be really helpful if he could have someone supporting him, believing Christian could pull through. But if he had to do it alone, he would.

  


“What are we _doing_ Christian?” Chad groaned when he stumbled, bumped into a wall and reached out blindly.

“Dude, it’s just a blindfold, you’re not _actually_ blind.” Christian laughed and slid an arm around his side. “I’m making it up to you.”

“Making what up to me?” Chad mumbled and leaned into Christian, dipping down so he could nuzzle along his boyfriend’s neck. He had to dip more than he used to; he seemed to keep growing and Christian had definitely stopped.

“The fact that I work on our anniversary. Five years and I’m gonna be workin’ all night. It’s total shit so I’m making it up to you.” Christian breathed and turned into him, letting their lips brush together. “S’gonna be an amazing night, you’ll see.”

Chad laughed into the kiss and slid his arms around Christian’s shoulders, squeezing and holding on. “Where are we going?”

“Dinner.” Christian snorted and pulled him forward.

They bumped and swayed into each other as they made their way down the sidewalk. Chad could hear the other people, he knew they were walking and passing city streets but being in the darkness reduced everything down to simply Christian. He wondered what they must look like, if Christian looked like some insane man who was kidnapping Chad. Just in case people thought that, Chad kept the wicked grin on his face.

“Help me, help, I’m being taken against my will.” Chad laughed and pulled away from Christian, struggling forward.

“Come back here you idiot!” Christian laughed and snagged Chad, tugging him around the middle and dragging him in close.

Their lips met almost automatically and Chad’s body arched into Christian’s, heart slamming hard in his chest. Maybe it was the thrill of being out in public or maybe it was knowing this moment was marking five years. Absolutely amazing, stunning, surreal. Five years of perfect bliss and Chad couldn’t wait to have the rest.

When the kiss broke the blindfold was removed and Chad blinked his eyes open, looking around. His eyes landed on the sign of the restaurant and he grinned, bouncing on his toes. “Fondue! I fucking love fondue! Christian Kane, you are so getting laid tonight!”

A few people around them turned to look with obvious surprise and Christian laughed, snagging Chad by the belt loop and dragging him forward. “Don’t scar the poor people, let’s go inside and eat some food.”

They did and Chad was so happy his heart almost hurt. He dipped bread into cheese and fed it to Christian, swirled fruit into chocolate and smeared it along his lips. And he laughed so hard it was nearly painful. But so, so worth it.

“I think you keep me alive sometimes.” Chad murmured. In the privacy of their booth, in the darkness and seclusion with full bellies and swelling hearts, Chad honestly couldn’t imagine a moment more perfect. “Does it ever scare you? How much I need you?”

Christian slid out of his side of the booth and moved over to Chad’s side, arm sliding over Chad’s shoulder as he dropped onto the bench. It was just dark enough that Christian’s eyes looked like crystal, standing out in a weird sort of contrast to the darkness. He leaned in and kissed Chad, it tasted like chocolate and fruit and Chad pushed back eagerly.

“No,” he whispered as he pulled back, his nose running along Chad’s. “It would scare me if you suddenly didn’t need me. I want to marry you some day, Chad, especially knowing that you still love me the same after five years.”

“I love you _more_ after five years.” Chad murmured, kissing him once more.

For a long few minutes their lips and tongues met, hands sliding over familiar muscles and curves and lines. Then Christian pulled back with a laugh, shaking his head slowly. “We have other things to do, come on.”

Chad was eager to find out what else Christian had up his sleeve. So he headed off to the bathroom while Christian paid the bill and they met up outside once more. Christian took his hand and threaded their fingers together, leading Chad down the crowded sidewalk once more.

After food they went to a theatre. At first Chad was pretty unimpressed, he wasn’t the type to enjoy plays or anything. Then the show began and Chad realized it was _Stomp_. Admittedly Christian was more of a fan but it was hard not to get into the music when it was happening live in front of you. Chad was impressed by the music they could make with brooms and garbage cans, clapping and snapping, and it was actually pretty hilarious.

The best part though was watching Christian. He was tapping out the rhythm along Chad’s thigh and laughing, head thrown back each time. Their arms were pressed together constantly, their knees meeting, and Chad was grinning because Christian was.

When the show was over the cast came out into the audience and Christian was quick to drag Chad over, asking them all sorts of questions about how they learned to do the thing with the brooms and stay on beat. The main guy, Nicholas, even gave Christian a flyer about lessons and trying out and Chad couldn’t help grinning at the way Christian was nearly bouncing with the idea.

“Can you imagine it?” Christian asked, clutching the flyer in his hand as they stepped out of the theatre. It was dark now, after nine, and the traffic was picking up all around them. “I could do that! Would you come see me? Every night?”

“Every night.” Chad agreed and grinned at his boyfriend, laughing when the man spun him around. “That would be incredible, as long as you didn’t turn all of our pots and pans into musical instruments and promised not to teach any future kids the bad habit.”

“Future kids, eh?” Christian smirked and tugged Chad toward him, pulling him close to kiss him. “We gonna have some babies Chad?”

“Who says I’m not just referring to the puppy we’re definitely getting one day?” Chad chuckled softly and pushed at Christian just barely, following him for another kiss. “Where are we going next?”

“Darlin’, I’m takin’ you dancin’.” Christian nearly purred the words in his honey silk voice, swaying backward a few steps.

Chad’s eyes sparkled with amusement as he trailed toward his boyfriend. “Dancing huh? Didn’t know you knew how to dance, Kane.”

“Oh you have no idea what you’re in for.” Christian smirked. The action faded a moment later when his shoulder bumped into the light post.

Chad would never really be able to accurately describe what happened next. It was in fast forward and slow motion all at once. Christian stumbled back and his foot slipped off the curb. That was really all it took.

He fumbled back into the street and Chad was fairly certain his heart stopped. This was the moment time slowed. The flash of lights, the sharp echo of a horn, and Christian’s head turning to the noise. Chad’s hand lifted as if he could stop the truck from coming any close, or as if he could pull Christian in from the street but he was too far away.

Everything sped up when the front of the truck collided into Christian’s side. Chad’s entire body turned cold as he watched his boyfriend snap toward the vehicle then arc away, head hitting the asphalt nearly loud enough for Chad to hear. Someone screamed and it took Chad a moment to realize it was him.

By then he was already moving, falling hard onto his knees beside Christian’s body and dragging him up into his arms. Until then, Chad hadn’t realized that the rest of the sounds of the busy street seemed to fade out. It all came back with a rush, voices, horns, tires, cries. Chad’s cries.

“Chris, Chris.” Chad pulled his boyfriend further up his chest and there was blood everywhere. Chad’s hands were sticky and warm with it, the body in his arms was limp and lifeless and Chad’s cheeks and eyes were burning with tears.

“No no, god Christian. Please. Somebody-“ Chad looked up sharply, scanning blurry eyed at the crowd of people gathering. He couldn’t make out any distinct features but he knew they were there. “Fucking call 911! Jesus, somebody do something!”

Chad didn’t know how long it was until the ambulance came. He probably wouldn’t have even realized they were there if someone hadn’t dragged him away. That was when he fought, struggling against the firm hands holding his shoulders and trying to get back to Christian. They were putting him on a stretcher, checking vitals, saying things like _he’s lost so much blood_.

They guided him to the back of the ambulance after Christian had been loaded and Chad could only stare. Someone nudged his arm. “Sir? Sir?”

There was Christian, the blood so much brighter and intense under the luminescent lights. They had wrapped a brace around his neck and Chad looked toward the person shaking him. “I moved him.” Chad said flatly, looking down at his blood covered hands, over at Christian, back at the paramedic. “I moved him, did it hurt him? Did I hurt him?”

The paramedic was a man and he couldn’t have been too much older than Chad. Later he would never remember what the man looked like, none of his features, just that his eyes were kind and sympathetic. “The brace is just for precaution, just in case. Can you tell me your name?”

“He has to be okay.” Chad whispered, grabbing the man’s hand. “You have to make him okay.”

“We’re going to do all we can, but I need you to talk to me here okay?” The paramedic squeezed his hand tightly until Chad registered pain. How long had it been since he felt anything? What was happening? “What is your name?”

“Chad.” He breathed his name out through an exhale and took his hand back, turned his gaze back to the stretcher. They were working over Christian now, hooking things in his arm, putting an oxygen mask over his face. “This is Christian, he’s my boyfriend.”

“Okay.” The paramedic nodded and scribbled something down. “Christian what?”

“The truck came out of nowhere.” Chad gasped and looked toward the paramedic again. “It wasn’t there and then it was. It just hit him. They just drove right into him. You have to make him better, you have to fix him.”

“Chad,” the paramedic reached out for him and there was enough of a silence in the ambulance that Chad had to look.

They were all watching him now, like they were surprised he would be this upset. Then one looked sharply down and shook his head. “His pulse is fading, we’re losing him.”

When Chad threw up, he tasted chocolate and fruit. It was probably that more than anything else that caused him to black out.

The next time he opened his eyes he was in a hospital room and he wasn’t alone. Jared and Jensen were there, both red eyed and crazy haired. Their expressions were so wrecked Chad nearly blacked out again, horrified that it wasn’t just some terrible nightmare. “Christian?” Chad croaked, looking around and trying to figure out why he was in a hospital bed.

“Oh Chad.” Jared fumbled forward instantly and grabbed his hand.

Chad watched, staring at his hand that was still blood stained and dark compared to Jared’s smooth skin. “Where is he?”

“They’re operating on him. Chad, it’s- they said- they’re not sure he’s going to wake up.” Jared broke off on a sob and Jensen was there, pressing in on them both, comforting and warm.

But it wasn’t that to Chad.

Nothing was comforting and warm. There was nothing now that could soothe him. It was like the air had been sucked out of the room, like the lights had been snuffed out, like Chad was seeing everything through a grey filter lens. At that moment he had no idea how accustomed to that filter he would become, how it would make up the standard of his life. For five long years it would be Chad’s default mode.

Until, one day, it wasn’t.

Until the day Christian woke up.


	3. Chapter 3

  


Christian woke on a Friday afternoon.

Like he had been for the last four and half years, Chad was at work where the strict policy of no cell phones during business hours kept him from finding out until he was off for the day. It had been three days since the slight fall out with Jared and Jensen - Chad had spent his birthday alone and so when he saw the new voicemail when he turned the phone on, he’d actually felt a little spark of hope.

Then he’d listened to the message and his world once more flipped upside down.

 _Chad? It’s Marcy at the hospital. I’m not really technically supposed to be calling you yet but I just, the nurses all knew we had to. It’s Christian, Chad. He’s woken up. He’s awake okay? You need to get here, as soon as you can._

The drive to the hospital had never seemed so long. The words from the message were playing over and over in Chad’s mind and he wondered if he was dreaming. He was pretty sure he’d had this dream, a million times. This couldn’t be real. But it had to be.

Halfway there, Chad called Jared. He hated the way they’d fallen apart in just a matter of days and he needed the man because, oddly enough, he was terrified.

“Chad? I thought we weren’t talkin-”

“He’s awake.” Chad interrupted, not wanting Jared to finish. This was big. This was _major_. “Jared. Christian is awake.”

“Jesus.” Jared sucked in a sharp breath and Chad could hear the mutter of workers echoing around the kitchen. Jared was at work, of course, and Chad couldn’t help but wonder where they stood. Would Jared drop everything for them now? Like he had before? “When?”

“Just now. I mean, earlier. I got the message, just got off work. I haven’t seen him. I’m heading there. Jared…” Chad sighed heavily into the phone and nearly jumped in his seat, surprised that the hospital was just right _there_. He hardly remembered driving.

“We’re on our way Chad. We’ll be there in a few minutes.” Jared’s voice was soft and reassuring and Chad felt his shoulders relax just slightly. “You want to wait for us?”

“No. Are you kidding? Five years? I can’t wait any longer.” Chad laughed weakly and pulled into a parking spot, nearly tripping as he shoved the door open and fumbled out. “Just hurry. But don’t come barging into the room okay? I don’t know how he’ll be, he might be overloaded. Shit, I should have shaved. I look so much older. Oh god, Jared.”

“Hey, deep breath, try not to freak out. It’s going to be fine. Just remember Chad, Christian isn’t going to know how many years have passed unless they told him. In his eyes, it’s just going to be like one day - be patient. Take some deep breaths, and I promise we’ll see you soon.”

Chad could hear Jared murmur something across the line then Jensen’s surprised squeak. It made his lips twitch in a slight smile before he looked away, into the hospital he was about to enter. “I’ll see you both in a few.” He hung up before Jared could continue the pep talk. That wasn’t helping much at the moment.

Countless days Chad had done this, taken the first elevator in the main lobby and ridden up the five floors to the long term care unit. He knew the wallpaper was peeling along the left wall and the carpet was fraying in the middle. He could name every member of the night food delivery staff and all the nurses in the unit. But he'd never felt more like a stranger than in that moment.

"Chad!" Marcy was the first to spot him when he stepped off the elevator and then everyone was looking his way. "He's been asking for you."

That made Chad's heart slam hard into double time. "He can talk? Does he know?"

Marcy didn't answer but that was only because Dr. Winslow had just come around the corner and she didn't look too surprised to see him. "We thought it would be best if someone he knew explained it to him. We've done preliminary tests - so far he seems good, but we'll need to run diagnostics soon. Go talk to him, but try not to put too much on him at once."

There was really no need for Chad to explain to her that his changes weren't really massive enough to cause waves. She didn't need to know his life had virtually stood still since Christian went into his coma. So he simply nodded and slowly crossed the familiar lobby to Christian's room.

Outside the door, before Christian could see him, Chad ran a hand through his hair. Jared's words from a few nights before were haunting him now. How bad were the bags under his eyes? How pale was his skin? What would Christian think of him now?

Weirdly enough Chad found himself knocking before he opened the door. Then he heard the faint rumbled, "Come in," and his body tingled. He didn't remember Christian's voice being so deep.

The doorknob was cool under his palm; Chad took a deep breath and forced himself to step into the room. Christian was sitting up, a hand running slowly through his long hair and then dropping to his lap. For a long moment Chad could only stare, breathing so hard it was almost painful. _God_ Christian looked gorgeous and he’d been asleep for five years.

Christian was the first to break the silence. "Holy shit Chad, look at you."

A surprised, half strangled sob left Chad's lips and he crossed the room in three quick strides, coming up to a halt at the man's bedside. "Fuck, I can't believe you're awake. I always knew, I always said-" He cut off with a quick shake of his head, rubbing across his eyes.

“No one will tell me how long it’s been.” Christian said quietly and Chad nearly melted when Christian reached out for him, touching his side.

Chad’s legs were weak so he sank down onto the bed, grasping Christian’s hand and squeezing. “This isn’t going to be easy to hear.”

“I can gather it’s been a while. My hair …” Christian’s free hand passed through his hair once more and he half smiled at Chad. “Unless you’ve been feeding me with some hair growth solution. Sounds like something you might do.”

It felt so _good_ to laugh that he did it for too long and it was too loud. The smile on Christian’s face slowly faded until he looked only cornered, brows drawn together.

“Chad?” He whispered and touched Chad’s thigh, wetting his lips slowly then reaching out for the water on the side table. “You’re kind of freaking me out here. And trust me; I’m already a little freaked. Have you seen yourself?”

“No but I’ve heard it’s pretty bad.” Chad muttered, shaking his head when Christian looked sharply up at him. “Christian, it’s … five years have passed since your accident.”

It was silent for quite a while and Chad was weirdly a little comforted by that, as if the silence had become his normality after five years and anything more in this room was too much for him to handle. Then Chad forced himself to look at Christian and his face looked pale, more than usual. “Oh god Christian, it’s okay, just, breathe.”

“Five years?” Christian gasped and looked up quickly, eyes blinking open and closed rapidly. “But. Fiv- Chad. You, that’s- this is a joke.”

“I’m sorry, I wish it was. But it’s not.” Chad shook his head slowly, watching his hands as Christian pulled free.

“So it’s- 2010? Seriously?” Christian’s frown was deep and intense and Chad was a little surprised by how _sad_ it looked. He couldn’t imagine what Christian must be feeling, how did you process being asleep for five years? “What day is it?”

“August twenty seventh.” Chad whispered, clutching his fingers together. It was odd, when he’d pictured Christian waking; he’d always been so joyful and thrilled. They’d hugged and kissed like Christian had just been away on a business trip for an extended period of time. This was nothing like that at all, he didn’t even know if being there was okay.

“Happy belated birthday.” Christian said softly, surprising Chad enough to get him to look up. “I guess, for five years worth. Sorry, looks like your gift might be late.”

“Or maybe you just woke up after five years and that _is_ my gift.” Chad pointed out with a faint smirk.

Christian stared at him for a long moment then looked away. “So, wow. Five years. What? Are there flying cars? Do people live on the moon? Who’s President now? What happened in the final Harry Potter book?”

Truthfully, Chad was a little shocked by the ramble of questions and how very _impersonal_ they were. He told himself that was just Christian being Christian but it didn’t seem right. “Uh, no flying cars. No moon. Barack Obama and you’ll just have to read to find out.”

“Barack Obama?” Christian repeated, slowly nodded. He fell into silence again as he reached out for his water and drained the entire thing. Neither spoke as he drank and in the time after, when Christian was clearly still trying to process a whole different world. Chad hadn’t thought much about that either. “You, what are you- are you still-“

“I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.” Chad interrupted, not wanting to hear Christian ask. He didn’t want to know his boyfriend could even consider the idea of him moving on. And he was so _sick_ of that conversation. It wouldn’t matter anymore. “Still live in the same place, come here every day to spend with you.”

“Jesus. For five years?” Christian whispered, looking up at Chad with wide eyes. “You look so… you have facial hair. Your hair is longer. Have you been sleeping okay? You kind of look tired.”

“I’m alright.” Chad nodded, pursing his lips. His fingers were itching to be on Christian, to touch and feel and pull toward him. He also wanted to curl up on Christian’s body and _fuck_ he wanted to kiss him. “God I’ve missed you, Christian.”

Clearly, Christian could see the tears pricking in Chad’s eyes and he closed the distance for them, sliding his arms around Chad and pulling him further onto the mattress. “Oh Chad. I can’t even- how did you manage? For five years? And there’s never been anyone else?”

“Of course there’s never been anyone else.” Chad sighed heavily and slumped gratefully against Christian’s chest. “Who could ever compare to you?”

“True.” Christian laughed, sliding his hand down Chad’s back. “I’d kiss you but well, I can’t even guess how bad my breath is after five years.”

Chad pulled back a little and looked up at him. “Do you think that really matters to me? After how long I’ve been waiting?”

“I think it would matter pretty quickly if I made you gag because of it.” Christian snorted then stiffened slightly when there was a knock at the door.

“Don’t worry, it’s probably just Jared and Jensen, they said they’d come over to help- I mean, to see you.” Chad nodded and squeezed Christian’s arm. “Do you want to see them?”

“Sure, alright. Has Jared gotten fat from his cooking yet?” Christian smirked slightly, looking from the door to Chad.

Laughing in faint surprise, Chad shook his head slowly. “Jensen is pretty good at making him work out.” He hadn’t expected quite as many jokes but well, this was Christian after all and he processed things in a different way. He tried to imagine how he would feel, waking up to this virtually new world, but he couldn’t begin to picture.

“Let ‘em in.” Christian nodded, gesturing toward the door.

Chad took the few seconds it took to walk to the door to absorb everything. Christian was- surprisingly levelheaded about this whole thing. It wasn’t like Chad wanted him to be freaking out or something but at least he would consider that logical.

Before he even got to the door it was opening and Jared and Jensen were stepping in the room, looking quickly at the bed. “Chris,” Jensen muttered, as if he was shocked that it actually was true. As if Chad would actually _lie_ about that kind of thing.

“Jesus, look at you two.” Christian’s jaw dropped slightly, his eyes widening. “Jared, how the fuck did you get so tall?”

“It just sort of came out of nowhere. I suddenly sprung up a few more inches.” Jared shrugged and grinned at Christian, tugging Jensen toward the bed. “Man, it’s good to see you sitting up! How are you feeling? What happens now?”

“I’m feeling okay.” Christian nodded and smiled softly at them, still looking between the two. “God, Chad, you weren’t joking about the working out thing.”

Chad pushed the door closed with his finger tips and laughed softly. Only, it was a forced laugh, and Chad’s heart ached in a newly forming panic. “Well considering the hours they work, it’s impressive they look as good as they do.”

“You’re just jealous, Chad.” Jared teased, still grinning. “Oh Chris, now you’re awake I can bring you food from the restaurant!”

“The restaurant?” Christian’s eyebrows rose slightly, curious.

“We have our own restaurant.” Jensen explained and his arm slipped around Jared’s middle. “Oh yeah, and we’re getting married.”

“Jesus, married? Wow, that’s- man, congratulations. So no more weekly break ups?” Christian reached out for his water glass once more only to find it was empty. He tilted the glass toward Chad with a brief smile before looking back at Jared and Jensen.

“No more weekly break ups. God, I don’t think we’ve broken up in… what?” Jensen looked over at Jared, pursing his lips slightly.

“I’d say about five years. Everything got more serious after your accident.” Jared gestured toward Christian and his smile faltered. “Sorry.”

“Nah don’t apologize, it’s not like I remember. And hey, it was five years ago so it’s old news. Tell me what else is going on.” Christian scooted over on the bed, patting the mattress in indication for them to sit.

Chad only half listened as Jared and Jensen began talking under and over each other, about the restaurant, the wedding, their apartment. He refilled Christian’s water and offered it to him, standing at Christian’s bedside, uncertain. This was good, of course it was good, it was fucking _amazing_. So why did Chad still feel so… hollow?

It made his stomach churn sickeningly but Chad decided to blame that on his lack of food during the course of his day. And well, this was just the first day, the first moments, Christian had to catch up with everything and then it would be okay.

“Chad? Can I speak with you for a moment?” Dr. Winslow appeared in the doorway, smiling at them all before fixing her eyes on Chad.

“Yeah, I’ll be right back.” Chad nodded at Jared and Jensen, his eyes lingered on Christian for just a moment before he followed the doctor out of the room.

She stopped not too far away, turning to him and instantly looking down at her clipboard. “So this weekend we’ll run more tests on Christian and assuming there aren’t any complications, on Monday we’ll have him transferred over to a rehabilitation center.”

“Rehabilitation? For what?” Chad rubbed along his neck, trying to make himself look more grown up than he felt. He was twenty five now and he liked to think over the last five years he’d definitely grown up but sometimes it was hard to feel that. Like now, when Dr. Winslow was looking very official and expecting Chad to just _know_.

“He hasn’t used his legs for five years; he’s going to need to rebuild those muscles. I would say he’ll probably be there a maximum of six months, less if he does well.” Dr. Winslow nodded and tapped at her file. “Of course I have to call his parents. I’ve always put it off too long but the nurses said it would be better to let you talk to him first.”

“Yeah, Christian and his parents don’t really get along much.” Chad muttered. He was still pretty freshly sore on that subject. After all, she’d already gone behind his back on the subject before Christian woke up, he almost didn’t believe that she would’ve kept him waking a secret. “How much is the rehabilitation place?”

“You’ll have to talk to the finance people there. Here’s the card, you can call them as soon as you like, this is definitely the place we would be sending him.” Dr. Winslow held the card tight for a moment when Chad reached out for it, her brows furrowing. “You don’t think his parents will cover it?”

“They covered his entire stay here; I can’t imagine them doing anymore.” Chad pursed his lips and slowly shook his head, mind reeling. “Thanks for the information. I’m just gonna-“ he jerked his thumb toward the door, half stepping back.

“Okay, we’re only going to allow another half hour or so. I’d rather he not get too overwhelmed on his first night awake okay?” Dr. Winslow smiled sadly at him before turning to head off.

Chad thought she was a kind of funny woman - her hair was always up in a tight bun and she had big glasses that made her eyes look buggish. But she was smart too and Chad felt safe leaving Christian in her hands at any point in time. Though now he’d much rather take Christian home with him and get their life back on track.

“He’s been so brave.” Jared was saying and Chad paused at the door out of sight, listening. “He’s been here the whole time. I mean, as much as he can around work. He spends most evenings here, most weekends.”

“And he hasn’t moved on at all? There’s no one else?” Christian asked in almost a whisper. His voice sounded too raw, like the use of it was nearly painful. Chad hoped it wasn’t but wouldn’t be that surprised if it was. Just like his legs, he had to rebuild his vocal cords.

 _Fuck_.

Chad hoped he’d still be able to sing.

“No, there’s never been anyone else, even if we might have encouraged recently.” Jensen said softly and Chad wasn’t all that surprised that he included himself in the _encouraging_ idea, even if it was all Jared. That was just the kind of man Jensen was when Jared was involved.

“You encouraged him? Like how?” Christian sounded curious but he also sounded sad. Chad didn’t think anyone else would hear it but him and he nearly held his breath, waiting and wondering what would happen next.

“Well, we tried to set him up on a date, with us there of course-“

“ _I_ tried, Jensen wasn’t really into the idea.” Jared interrupted his fiancé and laughed. “And neither was Chad. It took him like, a minute after he was left alone with Mike to tell him about you, show off your picture. The next day at work Mike slapped me on the back of the head and said I was an asshole for trying to push Chad into something he wasn’t ready for.”

“Good to know you’ve got my back, Jay,” Christian grumbled and laughed softly.

It was probably ridiculous but Chad was annoyed at Christian’s reaction. He wanted the man to be mad, he wanted him to make it known that Chad was _his_. God, Chad really wanted to be Christian’s again.

Before he could overhear anymore Chad headed into the room, pretending like he wasn’t eavesdropping and walking straight for the desk with the water. “Dr. Winslow says a half hour or so more.”

“Well, we should get out of your hair; you two should have some time.” Jensen nodded at them, turning to Christian and leaning in to give him a one armed hug. “So glad to see you awake, man.”

“Thanks for coming to see me.” Christian smiled and hugged Jared as well, waving as they headed out the door.

It seemed weird to be left alone with Christian now; Chad didn’t really know what to do with himself. He rubbed his palms together, wet his lips, shifted from foot to foot then finally looked up at Christian. “So Dr. Winslow said they have to run some diagnostic tests this weekend, you know, scan your brain and heart, things like that. Just to make sure. Then once you get the clean bill of health they’ll transfer you to the rehabilitation center, so you can work on walking.”

“Good.” Christian nodded, eyes fixed on Chad as he fidgeted. The gaze was a little unnerving and Chad wasn’t sure he’d ever felt this _unsure_ around the man. “Chad, come here.”

Swallowing thickly, Chad turned to him, slowly walking across the room and stopping by his bed. “I’ll bring you some clothes from home. I- your stuff, it’s still there. I never got rid of anything.”

“Are you okay?” Christian asked quietly, taking his hand and tugging him down onto the free space on the bed.

“That’s my question for you. Do you feel okay? Are you hungry or thirsty?” Chad looked toward the water, tempted to go for it but Christian was half holding him and really, that was much nicer.

“The IVs take care of most of that, I’m sure you know. Got enough water earlier too.” Christian nodded and cupped Chad’s jaw, turning him so their eyes could meet. “I like this kind of beard thing you have going on. Looks good on you. Very mature.”

“I’m just too tired to shave.” Chad laughed weakly and shrugged, staring at Christian with slightly wide eyes. His heart was fluttering and Chad clung to that, because it was how Christian always used to make him feel and he needed to know he still could. “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

“About being asleep for five years?” Christian whispered, his fingers moving along Chad’s jaw slowly. “Not sure it’s really sunk in yet. Kind of afraid to go to sleep again.”

“No fucking kidding.” Chad snorted, wetting his lips at nearly the same time as Christian. “I’ve missed you.” His voice nearly caught on the words, his eyes pricking with tears.

Christian’s lips pursed then turned down in a frown, a few stray strands of hair falling in his face. “Jared says you never let go at all.”

“Why would I have? I knew you’d come back to me.” Chad didn’t think Christian needed to know how many times he’d cried and begged for it.

They were quiet for a few moments but Chad didn’t so much mind the silence. Christian continued to touch his face, tracing the lines as if he really was aware how long he was asleep. “Keep the facial hair for a while, I like it.”

“What if it’s prickly when you kiss me?” Chad murmured, smiling because this, _this_ was what he had been waiting for.

“I can get over it.” Christian breathed and leaned in.

Their lips met and it was only for a moment, far too brief, Christian’s lips were chapped and he must have still been aware of how his breath had to be bad. But Chad didn’t care, he wouldn’t have minded Christian deepening it and he pressed forward but Christian gently nudged him back. It was still soft, warm, and _Christian_.

Chad felt like someone had shocked life back into his system. And it was more amazing than he really had words for.

It was easier for Chad not to think how quickly his heart could be soothed. One tiny little kiss and it was like his world came back together, a little tiny piece at the time. “Christian,” Chad whispered, eyes still closed for a long moment before he forced them open and stared at his boyfriend. “Stick with me okay?”

“Don’t worry. No more comas for me.” Christian half smirked and leaned back a little. His hand lifted, covering his mouth as he yawned. “How the fuck am I tired?”

“It’s a body nurturing thing.” Dr. Winslow stepped into the room, slight smile on her face. “Sorry to interrupt but we actually have an MRI tech available right now, nothing like getting a jump on the gun to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh. MRI. Test.” Christian nodded and the smile on his face faded slightly. “Does Chad have to go?”

Chad watched the smile fade completely from Christian’s face and his heart pinched. “I can wait around until he comes back. I don’t mind.”

“Christian’s going to need his sleep. You’re more than welcome to come back tomorrow afternoon, Chad.” Dr. Winslow smiled softly and leaned against the door.

“Okay.” Chad whispered and slowly nodded, turning to Christian and grasping his hand. “All the nurses have my cell phone number okay? So if you need me, for anything, any time okay? Middle of the night, whatever, I’ll be here. Got it?” Chad cupped Christian’s jaw, stroking softly and leaning forward.

At the last moment, Christian turned enough so Chad’s lips slid along the side of his mouth but before Chad could register the slight sting of rejection, arms were wrapping around his body, squeezing him hard. “I love you, Chad.” Christian whispered against his head.

A shiver shook down Chad’s spine and he closed his eyes, squeezed just a little harder. “I love you too, Christian.” There were so many steps to take, a whole new path spread out before them, but Chad at least felt certain that somehow, by the end, his life would be complete again.

  


The very first thing Chad thought when he woke up the following morning was _holy shit_. Followed quite closely by _Christian’s awake_ and that was enough to have him up and moving. There were things to do, plans to put into motion, a future for him to plan and for the most part, he was able to do that with a lighter step.

First up on his list was the rehabilitation center. It was ludicrous to think that Christian’s parents might volunteer to pay for his further care since they’d been considering cutting down the costs previously and how before Christian’s coma, time they wanted nothing to do with him. Which left Chad to do so with whatever amount of money it took to get Christian the care he needed to be back on his feet.

The center was nice, surprisingly un-hospital-like, and the staff upon first meeting were exceptionally friendly. A woman named Maggie gave him a tour of the facility; the bright cheerful and encouraging walls, individual rooms, spacious open areas for family and friend visits. Chad was not pleased to hear visiting hours were kept exclusively from five to eight each evening but he knew he could only be so demanding. And, Christian’s future was at stake, so they’d get there.

On the way out, he was shown into the financing room. At first the person he’d been handed off too - _Mr. Tom Welling but please call me Tom_ \- seemed a little cold and uptight but his attitude flipped when Chad told his story.

“So basically,” Chad laughed weakly and lifted his hand in the classic sign of surrender. “My boyfriend is now awake after five years, and he needs to come here but he doesn’t have any insurance or a job and I can’t put him on mine because, well, I imagine you know that. So, I need to know costs because I want to pay for this.”

Tom slid a hand through his hair and rolled back and forth a few times in his chair before sighing. He tugged open a nearby drawer, grabbing a stack of papers and flipping through them. “It sounds like Christian will have to be here for at least four months, hopefully no longer. The cost is about $25,000 per month.”

The number was enough to have Chad’s heart plummeting and he stared at Tom, wondering if maybe his abnormal good looks made his words come out funny. “Did… did you just say $25,000 per month?”

“Yes. So, for four months you’re looking about $100,000. Now, we understand some people’s situations vary, and we would be willing to take the money on a payment cycle. However, we will need the first $25,000 upon Christian’s time of arrival - when did you say that would be?”

“M-Monday.” Chad could care less that he was squeaking; his mind was near the point of explosion. _$25,000 by Monday?_ Because yeah, Chad was magic like that and he shit money out in all his free time that he didn’t spend working himself to the point of exhaustion. “So you’d need…”

“Right, $25,000 on Monday. Do you think that’s a possibility, Chad?” Tom asked softly, leaning a little closer.

His smile was sympathetic and Chad stared at him, his heart racing hard. “I- I’m not sure. I’ll try. Yes. Yeah, I’ll have it. Monday, I promise.”

“Good, then I promise we will give Christian the best of care.” Tom nodded and smiled, pushing out of his chair and offering a hand to Chad.

He shook _Tom’s_ hand in return and felt a little like he was selling his soul to the Devil.

  


Four hours later and Chad was running on three cups of coffee and half a bagel. He was lucky he’d had that much at all but he’d had to wait at the bank, and the food was right there so…

He was also looking at a loan approval with an interest rate of twelve percent but _God_ he’d done it. Come Monday, he could write a check for Christian’s transfer into the rehab center and by the time they ran it, the money would be there. Sure, Chad had to pay $250 payments a month and he wasn’t going to be eating much but he figured it was still worth it.

Always. For Christian.

The hospital was as familiar as it ever was and Chad had a handful of magazines, knowing that now Christian was awake he’d probably be going a little stir crazy not being allowed to leave the room, let alone walk. They only allowed Chad to come for so long at a time, and it hadn’t mattered _as_ much before but now it felt like torture. The rehab place would be worse but Chad had already thought of a way around that.

“Hello Hilary,” Chad smiled at the girl behind the nurse’s station, half waving as he headed for Christian’s room.

“Nice to see you smiling, Chad.” Hilary called back, grinning at him.

Chad laughed softly and shook his head before pausing at the door. He hesitated there, almost scared that this would be the moment it all turned out to be not true but when he pushed the door open, there was Christian. He was sitting up again in bed and his eyes were fixed on the TV.

“Hey,” Chad smiled at him, pushing the door closed and moving to his bedside. The table there was covered with newspapers, a couple weeks worth at least, and Chad’s steps faltered. “Been reading some?”

“This world is really fucked up.” Christian muttered. His voice still sounded as deep and raspy as it had the day before and despite the slight coldness to it, Chad thought it was pretty sexy. Blue eyes met Chad’s and Christian sighed. “I know it was this fucked up before I got hit by a fucking truck but man, when you go to catch up on this stuff, it’s sick man.”

“Don’t say that.” Chad whispered, dropping down into the chair there and clutching the magazines to his chest.

Christian looked to the TV then back, brows lifting slightly. “What? That the world is fucked up?”

“No, the- the truck thing. Don’t talk like that.” Chad shook his head slowly, swallowing down the sharp acrid taste of coffee and bile.

“That’s what happened yeah? That’s what they said. I mean, I don’t remember the exact details but, it was a truck yeah? Why the fuck was I out in the road anyway? Hey, why didn’t you say our President is black? Dude, that’s a big world change! That is note worthy! You should have told me.” Christian grumbled and dropped the remote, running a hand through his hair. “He’s attractive too.”

“Are you okay?” Chad whispered because, frankly, he was a little shocked. Christian was throwing him for a complete loop and he didn’t really know where to begin.

“Chad? I just woke up yesterday to find out I’ve been asleep for five years. The war’s still going on, there’s a video game system that makes you move around to play, the fucking _Saints_ won the Super Bowl, and my boyfriend looks like one of these pasty little vampire freaks that seem to be outrageously popular for some stupid fucking reason.” Christian’s arms rose in clear irritation, his hands dropping back to his thigh with a resounding echo.

The closest thing Chad could describe his feeling to was shock and he was pretty sure that didn’t cover it at all. It only took a moment for Christian’s words to catch up to him and his shoulders slumped, his expression softened, but it was still already out there. “Pasty little vampire freak huh?” Chad asked with a clearly self deprecating smile. “So Jared was right, I am too pale.”

“No, Chad, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. I’m sorry. It’s- they’ve got me on these meds. It feels weird and it’s making me get all twitchy. And just, man this is a _lot_. Five years have passed for everyone, Chad… everyone but me. The last thing I remember was standing on the sidewalk with you, talking about being in Stomp.” Christian sighed and twisted his fingers together. “It’s a lot, you know, for me to deal with.”

“I get it.” Chad nodded even though he really didn’t get it. How could he? Lifting up the magazines, Chad set them on the newspapers and shrugged. “I saved those for you. They’re less about catching up, more just, entertainment. Music World, things like that. If you want to look.”

Christian smiled softly and reached out to touch his arm. “Thanks Chad, that’s sweet of you.”

“Oh you know me, Prince Charming.” Chad smiled briefly toward him then glanced up at the TV. “They got this other game, Rock Band, people play with controllers that are like musical instruments, even sing too. It’s kind of ridiculous.”

“See?” Christian waved a hand toward him, sighing heavily. “You sure no one is living on the moon?”

“Not that I know of.” Chad chuckled and scooted his chair a little closer to Christian. He’d shrug off the insult now but Chad was definitely going to have to spend more time out in the sun. The _last_ thing he wanted was to be called a vampire.

  


Chad kept thinking, at some point, everything had to get better. Mostly though, he learned that the rollercoaster that was his life was nowhere close to evening out. Really, it depended on the day. And his ability to believe that soon - so very soon - things would get better.  
After all he waited five years, what was six more months?

When he showed up to see Christian on Sunday, the man was in tears and Chad suddenly had a new appreciation for how long six months might be. It turned out that Christian's mom had come by; staying long enough to make sure he was awake before handing over a rather large hospital bill and saying she'd “keep in touch”. Which wasn't anything coming from her.

And though it felt good to wrap his arms around Christian, stroke his hair and tell him he'd figure things out, another reality hit Chad in the gut. They were both twenty five now but Christian's mind wasn't, to him he was still only twenty. Now Chad was suddenly the more mature one, the one in charge.

He didn't realize until then that he'd been waiting for Christian to wake up and take on that role again. But that wasn't going to happen, Chad was going to have to support Christian now … and that didn’t bother him as much as it maybe should.

So Monday morning, Chad got up as usual and went to work. He filled out a form requesting any overtime possible and tried not to trip his coworker, Daniel, when he learned the man got the coveted promotion. Apparently, Chad was lacking some vital leadership qualities or what-the-fuck-ever. During his lunch he went to Wal-Mart and filled out an application for swing shift stocker because he had to do something _anything_ to make it work.

Chad wasn't the check writing type so writing one for $25,000 was a little surreal. But that night he did and even if he’d spend forever paying it off, Chad was just relieved Christian's tests came back okay.

Christian was virtually silent for Chad's entire visit but Chad didn't mind, just being there helped. And he clung to that truth even when Christian wouldn't kiss him goodbye. And the next day when he was told by the nurse that Christian didn't want to see him.

Still, that night alone in bed, Chad found he was once more in tears. And there was still no one to wipe them away.

“It’ll just take time.” Chad whispered to himself and he knew it was true, no matter how badly it hurt.

By the end of the week, Chad had gotten the job at Wal-Mart and managed to see Christian two more times. His boyfriend wouldn’t talk about why he hadn’t wanted company or what made him so silent and slightly annoyed but Chad figured it wasn’t that hard to guess. It was all about adjusting to the idea of missing out on so many years, trying to find a place where he fit in now. Chad didn’t tell Christian that he didn’t have to make himself a place, that he’d always had one; because he knew his boyfriend would figure it out soon enough.

Christian wouldn’t let Chad watch him do any of his workouts with his legs and Chad had to wonder if it was the weakness that bothered Christian the most. Clearly the man had no idea just how much Chad had done for him in the last five years; he wasn’t sure how to explain it without making it sound like he felt the man owed him.

  


No one had stopped him at the doorway so Chad assumed this was one of the days Christian was alright with him visiting. Chad couldn’t really understand what it was that made Christian not interested in seeing him but he figured it was just part of the process. After the first few days of Christian being there, Chad had been stopped by Mrs. Carle, the in center therapist.

She had taken Chad to her office and explained that Christian was slowly adjusting to the years he had missed and the way the world had changed. Apparently his mind seemed to work in waves, sometimes alright, sometimes breaking down. Chad had insisted he understood, that he’d be patient, and it was really starting to wear on him that _still_ no one believed he was capable of that.

Since then Chad had been playing it by ear, waiting to check with a nurse before going to Christian’s room. Sure it hurt, he hated that sometimes Christian didn’t want to see him but he did what he had to. It all really boiled down to that.

This time, no one stopped him, but Chad wished that someone had.

Christian was sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in normal clothes that hung too loose on him. He was rubbing along his thighs with the heel of his hands, wincing as if the pain was too much to take. Chad swallowed thickly, watching him, and half stepped into the room then back out. “Christian?”

The man looked up, his eyes were red and sparkling with tears, his face was slightly flushed. The emotion there was enough to have Chad sucking in a sharp breath and crossing the room quickly and sinking to his knees in front of the man.

“What’s wrong? Are you in pain?” Chad didn’t hesitate; his hands came out to rest on Christian’s thighs, pressing down as softly as he could.

Christian snapping hadn’t really been part of the expected outcome. “Don’t.” He knocked Chad away hard enough to have the man falling back on his ass. “Don’t touch me.”

The pinch in Chad’s chest was painful. “W-what?”

“Don’t, I can’t deal with that right now.” Christian muttered, shaking his head and pushing his hands hard into the bed.

Chad watched with wide eyes as Christian struggled to move himself back on the mattress. “You can’t deal with me touching you?” Chad whispered, still sitting on the floor, still struggling against the tears in his eyes.

“No. Not right now.” Christian gasped, dropping down hard onto the pillow and breathing in deeply.

“I- should I- should I go?” Chad’s voice was tight, nearly painful in his throat and he wet his lips, anything to keep himself from looking as worked up as he felt.

“Yeah Chad, you should go.” Christian nodded slowly then rolled over, turning his back to Chad.

Chad was outside before he even realized he was moving. His ass was stinging, his heart _hurt_ , and Chad was surprised he was able to move at all. Right now, he felt a little like he’d rather be the one in the coma.

  


“Chad?” Jared reached out and gripped his arm, squeezing until Chad’s eyes popped open. “Are my menu plans boring you?”

Chad shifted back in his seat, yawning as he stretched his arms up in the arm. When they finally collapsed down on the table, there were tears in his eyes from the force of it all. “Sorry Jared, just haven’t been getting much sleep.”

That was of course the understatement of the year. Since Chad had taken the Wal-Mart job, he’d been working twice as many hours. His days went something like, eight to four thirty at the call center, five to eight p.m. at the rehab center – assuming Christian let him in, which was always touch and go – then ten p.m. to six a.m. stocking back shelves at Wal-Mart. Chad was sleeping mostly in his truck in parking lots, whenever he had a spare moment.

“Is it about Christian?” Jared asked quietly, pulling his notebook back and tapping his pen on the paper. “You know he’s going to be okay Chad, he just needs to work through everything.”

“Yeah, no, I know it’s okay.” Chad nodded and rubbed a hand across his face. “He’s only been up a couple of weeks; I’m not expecting him to instantly be better.”

What he did expect was Christian to grow _more_ fond of him. Instead it seemed like he was realizing that Chad wasn’t worth the effort any more. Had he changed all that much in five years? Chad hadn’t thought so.

“Just how much sleep have you been getting, Chad?” Jared reached out once more to touch his arm, rubbing softly along the shirt there. “You’re falling asleep sitting right here.”

“It’s nothing Jared, don’t worry about it.” Chad waved him off and forced a smile on his face. For the first few days, it had been pretty bad but Chad had found a rhythm now and he’d also gotten the first of both paychecks, which had made it seem worth it. At least now he was able to use his Wal-Mart paycheck all for hospital/loan bills and still been able to pay rent, his cell phone, and put gas in his car.

Somehow it made losing weight and looking a little strung out okay.

“I’m worried about you, Chad.” Jared murmured, shaking his head and sighing as he pushed up out of the seat and headed for the kitchen and coffee pot once more. “I know Christian has been a little … off, but he will get better. You have to believe that.”

“I do, I know he will.” Chad sighed and glanced at his watch before standing up. “I picked up an extra shift at work so I should get on my way. Sorry I didn’t help much with the…” Chad gestured down to the menu. He was supposed to be approving the design, telling Jared that it looked good through the eyes of a customer and such.

Jared frowned slightly but nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. “I didn’t think the call center was open on weekends.”

“What?” Chad looked up from his bag, sliding it over his head. “Oh uh, yeah, just doing some extra stuff. Money’s tight, you know.”

“You know, Chad, Jensen and I can-“

“Don’t.” Chad held up his hand to stop Jared, lips forming in a tight smile. “Thank you, for even thinking of offering but I couldn’t do that, take your money, that’s- no.”

“Alright.” Jared nodded and thankfully didn’t push it, just followed Chad to the door. “Take care of yourself, Chad.”

“I’m _fine_ , Jared.” Chad laughed softly, shaking his head as he left the apartment.

In the elevator, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes, a little concerned for a moment about the way the room was spinning. But, by the time the doors were sliding open again and he was crossing through the lobby it had stopped, so Chad figured he’d be okay.

  


The way his boss cleared his throat had Chad nervous. He looked up from his computer and forced a smile, rubbing at the edge of his dress pants under the desk. “Hello sir, what can I do for you?”

“Can I have a moment in my office please?” Mr. Shustak half smiled, half sneered at him in the way only he could.

He was one of those guys that looked intimidating just by walking in the room. Chad thought he would be better suited as an official in the army or something, hardly the type of man you would figure ran a call center for carpet cleaning. And he couldn’t shake the feeling when he was following the man to his office that he was about to be in trouble.

“Have a seat, Mr. Murray,” Mr. Shustak gestured to the chair as he headed around to his own behind the desk, rolling forward to fix his gaze on Chad. “Why don’t you tell me a little about what’s going on with you.”

“Excuse me?” Chad blinked at him then flinched, realizing the way that must have sounded. “Uh, nothing sir. I’m okay, all good.”

“You know our company has a strict no drug policy.” Mr. Shustak informed, quite serious, Chad huffed an indignant laugh. “I hardly think this is a laughing matter Mr. Murray.”

“Sir, I’m not on any drugs. I’ve just got a lot going on in my personal life. I haven’t missed any work and I haven’t been late.” Chad pointed out, trying to school back his need to be defensive. “I can take a drug test if you’d like.”

Mr. Shustak considered him for a long moment before slowly shaking his head. “No, I don’t think that will be necessary. You know Mr. Murray, if you need to talk to me about something, you’ve been here almost five years and I’d like to think we’ve become friends.”

Chad could nearly laugh at that too. Friends? With his boss? No, he definitely wasn’t that guy. “I’m okay, sir. Just personal stuff, no big deal.” It was a huge fucking deal really but it wasn’t like there was anything Mr. Shustak could do for him. “May I go?”

“Yeah,” Mr. Shustak nodded and gestured toward the door. “Just remember you can come to me with whatever. And, try to get a little sleep or something.”

“Okay, sorry sir.” Chad nodded and pushed up from the chair. It was probably a bad sign if his boss was starting to notice but what could he do? It wasn’t like he could just quit his second job, not if he still wanted to have a place to live. And definitely not if he wanted to make sure Christian was taken care of.

  


“Are you on something?” Christian blurted out, a piece of corn falling out of his mouth and down onto the tray.

Chad looked up sharply, blinking a few times at the man. He was there for dinner and was currently in a sleepy, happy little daze because Christian’s leg was pressed against his under the table. It was the little things that really kept him going. “What?”

“Are you taking something? Drugs or something? You look… Chad, there’s bags under your eyes. And your skin is so pale.” Christian frowned and set down his fork, hand sliding up through his hair.

Truthfully, Chad was glad Christian had kept the long hair. It looked good on him and Chad wanted to dig his hands in it when they kissed. If they kissed, which really they didn’t. Christian had been awake for nearly a month now and Chad could count their number of shared kisses on one hand. “No Christian, I’m not on drugs. Why does everyone automatically think that? I just haven’t been sleeping well.”

“You don’t have to keep coming here you know.” Christian muttered, stabbing his fork into his food.

Something hard pinched at Chad’s heart and he stared at Christian, tears burning along his eyes. “Excuse me?”

“I’m awake now Chad so you don’t have to keep coming. You’re off the hook. Go on and live your life, I don’t want to hold you back.” Christian shrugged, staring down at the plate where he continued to stab at his food until it was nearly all mashed.

The implication behind Christian’s words made Chad a little sick. For a moment, he thought he was going to pass out but he managed to shake the feeling off long enough to be aware of his words. “Is that what you think this is? That I’m- what? Feeling _obligated_ or _guilty_ and that’s why I’m here?”

“Why the hell else would you stay around for five years, Chad? I know you, you’re good looking, you’re a bit sex crazed, why else would you still be here if it weren’t for the sense of obligation?” Christian nearly growled the words and narrowed his eyes at Chad, as if he was daring him to say otherwise.

Something burst in Chad, a month of hardly any sleep, five years of aching, hollow - emptiness, and his fork slammed down hard onto the tray of food as he pushed back from the table. “Fuck you, Christian Kane!”

The exclamation echoed through the cafeteria and heads shot toward them, a collective hush making everything sound louder. “Chad,” Christian hissed, sitting up straighter in his wheelchair.

“Do you know what I’ve been doing for you? How hard I’ve been working? Can you even _begin_ to imagine what it has been like for me, waiting _five years_ without knowing whether you were going to wake up or not? You think it’s hard having missed those years? I’d give _anything_ to not remember them. You can’t even begin to fathom the way it’s nearly killed me so don’t you even _dare_ suggest that how I feel for you isn’t real.”

When he finished, the cafeteria seemed to be echoing his speech but Chad didn’t care. There were hot tears burning down his cheeks and Chad couldn’t really take any more. Before Christian could respond, Chad turned and fled, brushing hard past people in his rush to get out of the room.


	4. Chapter 4

  


The look in Christian’s eyes was somewhere between pain and anger, Chad could tell. He wasn’t on the receiving end of the angry look very often so he had a whole new appreciation for the reason people tended to never give them any shit. Really, Chad got away with so much because of that death glare. But it was pretty damn shitty to have it fixed on himself.

“Would you chill out? Seriously. You’re overreacting.” Chad sighed and folded his arms over his body. He shifted in his place, straightening his shoulders to try and make himself look more threatening. It didn’t work much.

“He was all over you.” Christian hissed, fingers curling into fists at his side. “And you didn’t even stop him. God, Chad, he was practically dry humping your leg.”

“We were _dancing_.” Chad rolled his eyes and sighed. “You said you wouldn’t mind if I danced with him. Besides Christian, that’s Justin. You know he’s not interested in me like that.”

“Everyone is interested in you like that.” Christian shot back, glaring down at the ground now.

Chad’s brows arched and he stepped an inch back. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I said everyone is interested in you.” Christian huffed and Chad wasn’t all that surprised that he wasn’t trying to back down from what he said.

Not that it made it any easier to handle hearing for the second time. “Are you suggesting I’m some sort of slut or something?”

“No. Of course you’re not a slut. You’ve never been with anyone but me and I know that.” Christian was back peddling now and he looked up at Chad, frowning slightly and shaking his head. “Just forget it. Go back to dancing.”

“No, now I want to know. What’s going on here?” Chad frowned and followed Christian’s backward steps, coming closer to him now that he saw the hint of sadness growing in his boyfriend’s eyes. “Christian? What is the real issue here? Because you know I’d never do anything with Justin. Or anyone.”

“Why?” Christian asked in a hoarse whisper, nearly gasping the word.

Chad frowned, head tilting to the side as he considered his boyfriend. “Why what?”

“Why me? Jesus Chad, you know how good looking you are. You could have anyone. Why would you be okay with just me for the rest of your life?” Christian groaned and shook his head, stepping back until he bumped into the wall.

They were on the deck; Chad wasn’t even sure whose place this was. He just knew that this was supposed to be a fun night out and somehow everything had gotten out of control. And now Christian was saying these ridiculous things and it kind of made Chad’s heart melt a little. Christian was feeling insecure? That was a little adorable.

“Do you want to know when I knew I was in love with you?” Chad asked softly, taking Christian’s hand and dragging him across the deck.

They dropped down onto the bench there and Christian shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

“I knew when I was fourteen. Remember ninth grade? You were this total asshole to me and Jensen kept trying to make us friends ‘cause he wanted to be friends with Jared.” Chad grinned when Christian chuckled softly.

“I was not a total asshole to you. You were a little douche bag.” Christian punched a fist softly to his chest, shifting a little closer on the bench to Chad.

Chad laughed louder and shook his head. “I was not. Well, alright. Maybe a little. Anyway, we kept fighting about everything. You kept calling me asshole and I called you jerkface because my parents would have killed me if they heard me swearing.” Chad snorted and turned slightly, nuzzling into Christian’s neck.

“You’re supposed to be telling me when you fell in love with me.” Christian pointed out, slipping an arm around Chad’s middle.

“I’m getting there.” Chad closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of his boyfriend and the fact that he could soothe him so easily. “Middle of October, I was carrying my books from class to the locker when some of the sophomore guys came up. Remember that?”

“Yeah, they shoved you into the locker. Then I kicked Rick Harris in the shin.” Christian laughed, the noise a soft rumble in his chest.

Chad smirked and pressed his hand to Christian’s chest so he could _feel_ the laugh. “You did. They ran off and you picked up my books. And I said to you, “I thought I was an asshole”. Do you remember what you said back?”

It was quiet for a few moments as Christian’s arms slid a little tighter around Chad, drawing him in flush to his side. Finally his boyfriend cleared his throat and answered. “I said, yeah, but you’re my asshole.”

Even now, years later, the words still gave Chad that little flutter of new love in his heart. “You did.” He whispered, pressing his lips to Christian’s neck then drawing back so their gazes could meet. “Then you helped me pick up my books, threw your arm over my shoulder and led me off down the hall. Then. That’s when I knew I was in love with you.”

“Impossible.” Christian whispered but there was certainly the faint sheen of tears in his eyes. “We were so young.”

“I think we’ll always be so young until we’re just… old.” Chad smirked slightly and reached up, tracing fingers down Christian’s jaw. “Why would I ever need anyone else? You complete me, Christian, you’re everything to me. There would be no point in looking for anyone else because they’ll never live up to you.”

“You don’t ever worry about it fading away? Or that we’ll just get stuck because we feel like we have to be?” Christian whispered and Chad was a little surprised to hear the genuine worry in his voice.

It made him wonder how many times Christian had thought about this. “No. I don’t worry about that. Wanna know why?”

“Because… you’re my asshole?” Christian suggested with the faintest smirk.

Chad laughed softly and pressed forward, slanting his lips over Christian’s and kissing him deeply. It was always warm and tingling, always sparking with something that had morphed over the years from new and intoxicating to comforting and essential.

When he pulled back he opened his eyes, always loving the way Christian kept his eyes closed a beat or two longer. “It’s because I know you feel the same way I do. We were lucky enough to find this so young; I’d be crazy to let you go.”

“You _are_ crazy.” Christian pointed out but his smile was soft and warm, lips slightly shining in the dull light coming from the light by the door.

“Mm yeah but I’m not letting you go.” Chad murmured and dipped forward, kissing Christian deeply once more. He never mind reassure the man of his love. He understood, sometimes it was easy to question. But he would prove it to Christian, over and over, to the ends of the earth, that the love he felt for him was real and everlasting.

“You’re thinking sappy things aren’t you?” Christian murmured into the kiss, running his hands down Chad’s body until he was gripping under his thigh and tugging him onto his lap.

Chad laughed and sank down against Christian’s chest. “About fucking fairytales all glammed up and gayed out for us. Wanna hear about your tiara?”

“Shut up before I put that mouth to better use.” Christian grunted softly and cupped the back of Chad’s head, dragging him in for another heated kiss.

Chad shifted forward on his boyfriend’s lap and into the kiss before breaking for just a moment to moan. “Promises, promises, Kane.” He fell back into the kiss, safely reassured that his boyfriend had stopped doubting for now.

  


In the end it was actually Jensen that discovered his little secret. The secret that was in no way related to the use of drugs, no matter what everyone else seemed to think. After the fight with Christian and the way he left, Chad felt like a wreck. Then he simply realized he was a wreck, and he began traveling through the days in a blur of one place then the next, a few hours of sleep and back at it again.

It was a horrible, never ending loop.

Not going to see Christian threw off his center, made him feel numb and more broken than he'd ever felt. If anyone accused him of drug use again he was going to say he was detoxing from Christian Kane. Which was why he didn't see Jensen until the man was grabbing his arm.

In the middle of Wal-Mart. In the middle of his shift.

Shit.

"Chad? What are you- are you working here?" Jensen frowned and dropped his hand from Chad’s arm but it still felt like the heat was lingering. Was Chad starving for touch that much?

It was pretty obvious, what with the blue vest and name tag, so there was no denying it. Chad decided to play his own sort of offense instead. "Dude it's almost midnight, what are you doing at Wal-Mart?"

"Jared and I were working late, our shipment was off and I came to get-" Jensen cut himself off, shaking his head roughly. "That's not important. Why are you working here? What happened at the call center?"

"Nothing, I work here too. No big deal." Chad tried to make it seem casual and dismissive but the look on Jensen's face was clear suspicion. It wasn’t that hard after all to calculate the hours in the day and realize that working two full time jobs was pretty much impossible. “It’s just part time, to make a little cash.”

"What is this about, Chad? What's going on?"

From down the row of pasta mixes one of his co-workers called his name and Chad looked his way for a moment before looking back at Jensen. "I gotta go, look I'll explain-"

"Come by the restaurant tomorrow, we'll talk." There was no choice in the words, it was a demand, and Chad nodded until Jensen had squeezed his arm and headed off.

For the first time in so long he could hardly remember, Chad actually felt a little relieved at the idea of talking about his issues. There was no doubt in his mind that he was in over his head and as much as it sucked to admit it, Chad was pretty sure he needed help.

  


The restaurant Jared and Jensen owned was named Eden and it really was a trendy hot spot in town. Both boys were pretty modest about it though, if you happened to bring it up. They insisted that restaurants constantly went in and out of style and there was no way to make judgments by what was popular now compared to later.

Chad thought their modesty was a little endearing but then, these were his two best friends and he would always have a soft spot for them. And since Jensen had caught him at Walmart the other night, he’d done some serious thinking about his friend’s, his life, the entire world he was stuck in. Despite the near fallout with him and Jared right before Christian had woken up, these two men had always been there for him.

And maybe he’d never realized before just how much he needed them in his life but now that he’d been working so many hours and barely had time to see them, and Christian and he had fallen out, it hit him hard.

So he was a little bit resigned but mostly looking forward to his trip to the restaurant. And well, the idea of free food certainly didn't hurt.

"Hey Chad!" Mike was the first to greet him, stopping as he walked from the dining area to the kitchen. "Man, how are you? Jared said Christian woke up, that's fantastic!"

It had been three days since he last saw Christian and just hearing the name made his heart pinch but he forced a smile for Mike's sake. "Yeah, it's great. How are you?"

"Good, working as usual. These men keep me busy." Mike laughed and shook his head.

"You can't blame us for wanting to have something nice to look at Mike." Jared laughed as he joined them, throwing an arm over Chad's shoulder.

Mike scoffed and rolled his eyes and Chad's smile felt a little more genuine. Maybe part of him forgot how normal life could be when you weren't constantly working or grieving.

"Hey, watch the floor will you? Jen and I are going to take lunch with Chad in the back." Jared squeezed Chad softly, smiling at him before looking back. "Jim has got the grill."

"Yes sir." Mike saluted Jared before spinning on his heels and heading off.

"If you're planning an intervention, let me just tell you I swear I'm not on anything." Chad muttered as Jared led him through the restaurant to the back room.

"There's more than one type of intervention, you know." Jared pointed out with a sad smile.

Chad pursed his lips and nodded slowly, not saying anything more until they'd gotten behind closed doors. "Look Jared I-”

The words died in his throat when Jared suddenly stepped forward and wrapped him up in a tight hug. Chad was surprised. Not like he didn't know that Jared was the hugging type but there was definitely a level of compassion to this touch.

"Jesus, I'm not dying, you know." Chad muttered but he hugged Jared back just as hard. The contact did feel nice.

Jared laughed as he pulled back and held up his hands. "Just a little worried about you, as usual."

"Hey Chad." Jensen came in through the opposite door with a tray of food. "Hope you're hungry. Jared's making us try out entrees for the wedding.

Chad laughed softly and shrugged off his coat, heading for a chair at the table. "As long as I get to approve deserts too, I can get into this best man gig."

“Of course you do. You know I can’t seem to make any decisions without getting everyone else’s opinions first.” Jared laughed; helping Jensen set the plates onto the table. Once the tray had been dropped, Jared’s arm slipped around Jensen’s waist and brought him in.

Chad looked away when their lips met. A thousand other moments just like this, Chad could picture them perfectly. Only so many of them had Christian at his side and even knowing the man was awake, it didn’t make it any less painful. He stared down at the plate of food; looked like some pasta dish, it was probably delicious. Chad wasn’t feeling as hungry as he had been before.

“So I went to see Christian yesterday,” Jensen said softly as he sat at the table, looking over at Chad. “I was surprised you weren’t there. Then I found you at Wal-Mart. Anything you want to tell us?”

“Did he say anything about me?” Chad asked before he could stop himself, looking up at Jensen then away.

Without even being able to see Jared and Jensen, Chad knew they were sharing a look. He was pretty sure those two could talk telepathically. He knew that feeling, he used to be able to look at Christian and know exactly what he was thinking too. Used to. Like everything else in his life, once upon a time.

"He asked how you were, yeah. Said you two got into a fight." Judging from the fact that Jensen's expression was only pity and sadness, Chad guessed that Christian had taken responsibility for the fight.

The very last of Chad's lingering pettiness had him thinking _good_. Christian should take the responsibility. What more proof did he need that Chad loved him? "I kind of snapped at him."

"You know the adjustment to this has been so hard on him." Jared pointed out softly around a bite of food. "That's not why you're here though, Chad. We can talk about Christian but first we need to talk about you."

Neither topics were particularly easy ones but Chad had made a promise with himself to do this. it was time to admit he needed help. "I took out a loan to pay Christian's first month at the center. So I've been making payments for that, along with his past hospital bill and the next month at the center. So I had to get a second job to cover it all."

"God, Chad," Jensen frowned and set his fork down. "How much?"

Chad sighed, looking between Jared and Jensen and taking a slow bite of his pasta. “This is really good Jare-“

“How _much_ , Chad?” Jared repeated his fiancé’s question, brows pulled together in an obviously well meaning, concerned furrow.

Chad was starting to seriously rethink his whole _I need help_ attitude. It was harder to talk about than he’d thought. “The loan was for $25,000. I pay $350 each month. Plus $150 to the hospital bill and I’ve been putting any extra I have left after rent and bills into savings to pay for the rest of Christian’s stay there.”

“Jesus Christ.” Jared gasped softly, making the whole thing sound a lot worse than it was.

Alright. It was pretty bad.

“Why didn’t you tell us, Chad?” Jensen rubbed a hand up through his hair and pushed up from the table, heading to his desk along the far wall.

Looking up in disbelief, Chad head tilted to the side as he matched his friends’ frowns. “Tell you? Tell you what? That someone needs to pay for Christian’s care and that his parents are assholes? Or that I would do it even though he’s practically dismissed me from being his boyfriend?”

“He what?” Jared almost squeaked the words, looking wide eyed at Jensen. “You didn’t tell me that!”

“He didn’t dismiss him; he’s just, caught up with stuff.” Jensen groaned and came back to the table with a thick book, dropping down onto his seat. “He didn’t dismiss you, Chad.”

“Sure sounded like it.” Chad sighed and stabbed his fork over and over into the pasta.

“It’s dead.” Jared laid his hand over Chad’s, smiling softly. “Try not to mash the pasta before eating it. Now what exactly did he say?”

“I thought we weren’t talking about Christian right now.” Chad grumbled, dropping his fork. He’d been starving before he came here, really they should have eaten before talking. Chad grabbed a piece of bread to tear apart instead.

“How much did you say? $25,000?” Jensen asked distractedly, flipping through the pages.

“Yeah. Why- Jensen.” Chad looked up sharply, eyes narrowing. “No fucking way. You are _not_ giving me the money.”

“No, we’re not.” Jensen shook his head and slid his checkbook forward, scribbling on the paper before sliding it to Jared. The man touched the edge for a moment before nodding and pushing it back to Jensen. “The restaurant can afford to make a donation of $15,000 toward it. That will, at least, make the payments smaller. Or you can use it toward the hospital bill, your choice.”

The check was torn off and slid across the table to Chad. He picked it up slowly, staring at the amount. It was like when he’d written the check for the rehab center, only this money was just being given to him. It made tears prick in Chad’s eyes and he looked away, blowing out a slow breath. “What about taxes?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jensen shook his head and closed his book, laying his hands on top of it and fixing his gaze on Chad. “Now, as for the rest of his care, I think I know what we can do.”

“You guys really don’t have to do anything more.” Chad insisted, wishing he could be just a little stronger and push the check back. He wanted to tell them he couldn’t take it, but he could. And he really had to.

“You can’t work two jobs, Chad.” Jared kept that sad smile on his face, shaking his head. “Look at you, you’re clearly exhausted. You’re not happy, and you haven’t gone back to Christian.”

Chad frowned and slowly looked up at Jared, staring for a long, silent moment. “What does that mean?”

“You haven’t gone back to him.” Jared slapped his hand down on the table and laughed, clearly not amused. “How many times did I come to you when Jensen and I got in a fight?”

Chad’s lips twitched and he shrugged. “A thousand?”

Jensen rolled his eyes and Jared laughed again. “Probably not but the point is, a lot. And you know what? Every single time, you told me to go back to Jensen. Or you kept me around until Jensen came to me. You never _ever_ let us give up on each other and you never once gave up on Christian. Even when everyone else told you to. So you seriously mean to tell us that you waited for five years for him to wake up, then one little fight and you’ll just let it end?”

Weirdly enough, Chad hadn’t even thought of that. He should have. It should have been the first thing on his mind and he’d just been so caught up with working and trying to make sure the bills were paid, that Christian was taken care of. “Shit.” Chad shoved back from the table, knocking the chair up as he stood. “I gotta go.”

“Just wait a second.” Jensen and Jared both stood, though neither looked that surprised. “Do we have your permission to work on a solution for the payments?”

“Yes.” Chad waved distractedly toward them as he rushed for his coat and slid it on. “Let me know. I’ll talk to you both later.” Chad stopped at the door and turned to them, small smile on his face. “Thank you.”

“Yeah yeah.” Jared waved dismissively toward him, smile growing on his face. “Go get your man.”

That was really about all he needed to hear.

  


The air rushed out of Chad’s lungs in a long exhale as he collapsed onto the bed, the room spinning all around him. It was enough to make him nauseous and Chad laid his hand over his face. “Why did I drink so much?” He groaned against his palm, kicking at his shoes with his feet and getting nowhere fast.

“Because you never listen to me.” Christian laughed softly. His voice sounded a little deeper, roughened by whiskey.

Then fingers slid along Chad’s ankles, tugging his shoes the rest of the way off and pulling off his socks. Chad smiled against his palm and rolled his hips. Now that the room had stopped spinning, he could thoroughly enjoy Christian’s fingers on his ankles, sliding up under his jeans. “I listen to you when it matters,” he half slurred, dropping his hand to the side.

“Like now?” Christian breathed the words hot against Chad’s hip.

Chad wasn’t even aware that he’d moved at all. One of the perks of being drunk he supposed, surprise gorgeous men appearing right above his crotch. Chad was basically the luckiest man alive.

“Definitely listenin’ to you now.” Chad murmured, sliding his hand down through Christian’s hair, twisting the strands around his fingers. “God, I can’t wait for your hair to get longer. Gonna hold it whenever you fuck me.”

“Jesus, Chad.” Christian groaned softly and crawled his way further up Chad’s body, nosing his shirt up along his chest. “You smell so good.”

Heat curled in Chad’s belly and he rocked his body up against Christian’s lips. “What do I smell like?” He mumbled the question, slurring the words still but not caring.

Christian didn’t seem to care much either. He pulled Chad up off the bed by his shirt and tugged the material over his head, tossing it to the side. Before Chad could even process what was happening Christian was shoving him back down, pinning him to the mattress. “It’s always the same. You smell like fresh air and sex and me. I love it, like I’ve claimed you so much I’ve imprinted on you.”

A soft chuckle fell from Chad’s lips and his hands pulled along Christian’s shirt, tugging it off. Actually, Christian mainly tugged it off and Chad just pulled uselessly along fabric but still... it was the thought that counted. “Imprinted huh?” Chad smirked and pushed up until his lips could meet Christian’s.

“Shut up.” Christian muttered into the kiss, a smile tugging at his lips. This was their brand of affection, slight insults caught between the constant slide of hands and bodies.

Chad had no idea how they both got naked; this was seriously the last time he let Trevor make him any drinks at a party. Or maybe it was just Christian’s hands, always too distracting, and his lips always a notch past overheated. “Tell me.”

This was a thing they did, in bed together when the moment was burning but needed just that one extra thing to be breath taking. One of them would say it - _tell me_ \- and the other would tell whatever he wanted. Only here in bed, only when the passion and heat was pushing in on them from all sides.

“I knew I loved you the minute I met you.” Christian murmured against Chad’s ear, sliding fingers along his hipbone, pressing down until Chad moaned and arched up into the touch. “The minute Jensen introduced us, I knew it. Your eyes were so wide and sparkling, brighter than the sky. Your hair was all over the place and you fucking _sneered_. Fourteen years old and you had me at that alone.”

A surprised burst of laughter, giddy and heart fluttering, left Chad’s lips. “No, that’s impossible.”

“Is not.” Christian countered, smirk on his lips as he rolled on top of Chad, pinning him to the mattress. “I’ll prove it.”

“With your DeLorean?” Chad slid his hands up into Christian’s hair, rocking his hips against Christian’s as much as he could.

Christian smirked down at him, nodding once. “My time machine with style.”

“Mm. Gotta do everything with style.” Chad was still laughing when Christian’s lips met his, the noise getting swallowed up between them.

He lost track of time when it was like this, when it was them and miles of skin and a world not anywhere close to reality. Chad found it pretty easy to believe that fourteen year old Christian could be in love at first sight because in this world here? Anything was possible.

  


Before he went to the rehab center Chad swung by home. He knew Christian wasn't the only one responsible for their fight but really, he was the one who hadn't gone back. He wanted to make up for that.

So one phone call and a quick stop later, and he was on his way.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't nervous. There was so much they had to talk about and he hated how long had passed without that. Too much unsaid. They'd be okay though, Chad had to hold on to that thought.

They knew him at the front desk and even though it wasn't visiting hours, Christian was in his room and they let him through. Chad was pretty damn grateful, although he would have waited hours if need be. He thought maybe they just wanted to see them happy and together again, since all the girls working here tended toward fawning over Christian.

It was both a shock and thrill to see Christian standing at the window when he stepped up to the door way. Up out of bed, holding onto a cane, but still. Chad hadn’t seen him vertical in years. "Christian," he whispered, clutching the guitar he'd brought as part of the makeup plan.

Christian turned quickly, swaying for a moment then stabilizing. "Chad," he nearly gasped, making the name sound like praise, like he’d never said anything better. "You came back."

Tears burned in Chad's eyes as he nodded and crossed the room swiftly to stand by Christian, almost reaching out but resisting. "Of course I came back. I'm sorry it took so long."

"I'm sorry for what I said. I never meant... is that my guitar?" Christian reached out instead, dragging his fingers down the case.

"Yes." Chad laughed softly and nodded. "Thought you might be getting bored." And if Chad was a little over eager to hear Christian playing again well, you couldn’t blame him. There was nothing sexier than Christian with his guitar.

Except maybe everything else that Christian did.

“I don’t deserve you.” Christian murmured, swaying toward Chad again then dipping slightly. “I gotta sit down.”

“You probably should. How long have you been standing?” Chad quickly set the guitar down against the wall before stepping closer, sliding his arm around Christian’s middle. He wouldn’t tell the man yet that he was wrong, that he did deserve him and likely someone more than him, but Chad wasn’t above correcting if he heard it again.

“Twenty minutes or so. I was just standing here to gain my strength back; walking to the window practically killed me.” Christian smiled weakly at Chad and slid his arms around him.

It was mostly a hug so Chad couldn’t really help Christian walk but he’d rather be hugging him anyway.

"Please don't stop loving me." Christian whispered against Chad's shoulder, clutching tighter to Chad like letting go would kill him.

Heart pinching in his chest Chad sucked in a sharp breath, squeezing his eyes shut tightly against the tidal wave of emotion. "Never. I'll _always_ love you, Christian."

"You really waited five years?" The words were muffled against Chad's neck, hot air puffing over his skin in pleasant bursts.

Chad wasn't sure there was just one issue here; it was like a thousand little doubts breaking Christian down. Pulling back just enough to meet Christian's gaze, Chad smiled softly. This was something he could handle. "Christian Kane, I never even looked at another person that way. It always has been and always will be you."

A smile played across Christian's lips for a moment before he was pressing forward. The first touch of Christian's lips was intoxicating and Chad was moaning instantly. His knees felt weak at the warm touch of silk and smooth. Apparently, Christian felt similar because he was suddenly clutching Chad hard, leaving him to support his boyfriend’s weight.

"Should sit." Christian murmured into the kiss, slipping his tongue forward along Chad’s lower lip and retreating. The best sort of tease.

Chuckling softly, Chad nodded and pulled back, hooking his arm under Christian's and helping him to the bed. They dropped down in a heap, Chad falling half on Christian and laughing. "It's good to see you standing."

"I've been working so hard on it. Want to be better for you." Christian tugged him closer, running his nose through Chad's hair. "We're going to be okay, right?"

"Yes," Chad said without hesitation. "We can make it through this. We have to." There had really never been a choice in Chad's mind; there was no outcome but them together.

"Will you let me come back home?" Christian asked as he lay slowly back on the bed, dragging Chad with him.

Chad wasn't interested in any distance between them so he settled against his boyfriend's chest before speaking once more. "Of course. It's never stopped being your home."

"Still don't get it," Christian admitted, frowning slightly when Chad pushed up to stare down at him.

A very slow smile pulled at Chad's lips. This he could do, convincing Christian of facts. "Do you want to know when I first knew I was in love with you?"

"Chad." Christian pursed his lips, shaking his head slowly.

The smile on Chad's lips morphed to a full-fledged grin. "I was fourteen and you were a jerkface."

Tears shone in Christian's eyes and he gently stroked Chad's jaw. "You were an asshole."

"Are you saying you know this story?" Chad tilted into the caress, savoring the flutter in his stomach.

"I'm a bit rusty on the details." Christian slid his hand along to the back of Chad's neck, bringing him in closer.

Dipping down, Chad laid his head on Christian's chest, smiling as he heard the man's heartbeat. "You rescued me from some jack ass tenth graders even though I thought you hated me. The conclusion is I'm _your_ asshole.” Chad was nearly beaming now when Christian’s laughter rumbled deep in his chest and against Chad’s ear. “You know I used to lay like this with you when it was just too much."

The air hitched in Christian's chest and his arms around Chad tightened. "I'm so sorry, Chad. You never should have been alone so long. I never should have done that to you."

"It's not like you did it on purpose." Chad exhaled slowly, not liking the idea of Christian taking any guilt for this. He never could have known that truck was coming, if he’d had the choice he would have stopped it. So he wanted the conversation to switch to something else and he said the first thing that came to mind. "I've been working two jobs."

Christian was quiet for a while, hands never ceasing their movement on Chad's body. When he did speak, it was a whisper. "To pay for my stuff?"

"That's not why I'm telling you." Chad sighed and slid his leg across Christian’s, pressing in as close as possible. He was tired of everything separating them, he just wanted to strip down to nothing, pull Christian’s clothes off and tangle up in him. “It’s just why I’ve been looking so tired. It’s not drugs or anything. Just two jobs.”

“I didn’t really think you were on drugs.” Christian laughed softly and slipped his hands under Chad’s shirt, his fingers like fire on Chad’s back.

“I know.” Chad murmured. His eyes slid over to the closed door then to the clock, trying to guess when the next training session might be. He figured they had a half hour at least.

Pushing up slightly, Chad grabbed the edge of the blanket and worked it over them, tucking both himself and Christian under the thin covers. When he looked back up, Christian was watching him and there was definitely a darker note to his eyes. “I’ve been dreaming about you,” he whispered, shifting a little lower on the bed.

Chad’s breath came a little faster, his fingers playing along Christian’s waist line. “Good dreams?” He murmured, bending down to lick a line of warm salty flesh along Christian’s neck.

“Very good dreams.” Christian half moaned the words, the heat rising on his cheeks and radiating out from his body. “They said, might be a while, you know. Until my body responded to sexual stimuli.”

It was likely immature but Chad couldn’t help smirking at the word _stimuli_. What? He couldn’t be the new and improved mature Chad all the time. Slipping his hand down under Christian’s scrubs, Chad slowly rubbed at the obvious swelling of arousal in his boyfriend’s boxers. “Hmm, seems like you’re pretty stimulated to me.”

Christian laughed, low and rasping, and slipped his hand through Chad’s hair. “Happened first time last week. Woke up so hard I could barely stand it.”

Groaning softly, Chad rolled enough to mold his lips against Christian’s neck. “What did you do about it?” It almost felt surreal, being like this, feeling the heat of Christian’s cock through a thin layer of boxers when he’d been stuck only fantasizing about it for so long.

“Arms are weaker, you know?” Christian murmured and the deep roughness of his voice seemed to vibrate around them. “Had to take my time, go real slow so I didn’t tire out. Thought about you, the way your long fingers always felt so good wrapped around me. Thought about that pretty mouth of yours too.”

Chad moaned against Christian’s neck, stroking slowly over the cotton before tracing his fingers up, teasing the tips just under the elastic. “You miss my mouth on you?”

“God yeah.” Christian groaned, arching his hips up as if he could get Chad’s fingers to move under his boxers once more. “Shouldn’t be doin’ this here. Door’s not even locked.”

“I’m willing to take the risk.” A soft laugh fell from Chad, morphing into a moan when his fingers finally passed along smooth, heated skin. Christian’s cock was just there under his palm. It was enough to make him nearly come from the pent up desire alone. “Fuck, I’ve missed touching you.”

“You didn’t take advantage of me in my coma state?” Christian teased, hesitating a moment like he wasn’t sure if these types of jokes were allowed.

At this point? Chad would allow anything but stopping. “Nah, the comatose thing doesn’t really do it for me.” He smirked and curled his fingers around the base of Christian’s cock, stroking slowly up and sliding back down.

Christian keened low in his throat and shuddered softly. “Want your mouth on me Chad. Want to feel those lips on my skin again.”

There was nothing hotter than Christian begging. Chad could get him to really beg, he could get him to whine and plead for Chad to do something - _anything_ \- but now wasn’t the time to see if his talent was still there. This was about Christian, reassuring him through touch now that he had through words. “Gonna make you feel so good,” Chad whispered against Christian’s ear lobe before slowly crawling his way down.

“Chad,” Christian moaned and it was like music to his ears. The absolute best word Christian could ever say when he was clearly so turned on.

Their time was limited; they were already pushing the limits so Chad didn’t bother removing clothing. He slid his way down Christian’s body, slipping under the blanket. A slight smirk pulled at his lips when they touched Christian’s abs and the man arched up into him. It wasn’t often Christian got so needy, their sex life before was more than healthy. Now though, they both felt that tangible need hanging between them.

Chad pulled at Christian’s scrubs and boxers, lifting his hips from the bed until the fabric was down around the man’s thighs. He could smell Christian, musk and sweat, flesh he hadn’t inhaled in so many years. Flesh he hadn’t tasted and wanted so badly to. But he really couldn’t help pausing for a moment to pull up enough to let light spill through the blanket, just so he could stare at the curve of hard skin, the slight flush, smooth and tantalizing.

“Jesus, Chad, you waitin’ for a show?” Christian grumbled from up above him and Chad laughed softly, shaking his head.

Before Christian could pester any further, Chad licked a solid stripe from the base to the head, pressing with purpose along the sensitive vein. The noise that came from Christian’s lips was too loud but cut off swiftly, likely from the man biting into a pillow. It wouldn’t do any good to get caught now before Chad could really enjoy himself.

Shifting a little to the side, Chad rolled his own arousal against the mattress as he repeated the long lick, tracing each side, along the front, working in slow circles until every inch of Christian’s cock was wet. He took his time along the head, remembering how very much Christian enjoyed him tracing the ridges and curves. Then he worked along the slit, gathering up large drops of pre-come and rolling the salty warmth along his taste buds.

It was just as good as he remembered and Chad moaned, pulling the head between his lips and into his mouth. Christian’s hips were rolling slowly up, thrusting just in and back out, barely enough to be noticed but hot enough to make Chad tingle. His own hips seemed to continuously rut against the mattress of their own accord, seeking any sort of friction and heat that could provide him with relief.

A hand wove through Chad’s hair, tightening and releasing, nails scraping along his scalp and he sucked Christian in. Relaxing his jaw, Chad slid as deep down as he could, surprised that he could take so much considering how long it had been since he’d last done this. But it was perfect none-the-less and Christian’s hips began moving with a little more force, thrusting up into Chad’s mouth.

Any other time and Christian’s mouth would be spewing filth, likely asking Chad if he liked having his mouth fucked, if he wanted it harder and faster. Chad didn’t need to hear it though, he told Christian, by keeping his body still, allowing his boyfriend to control the pace as he sucked and hollowed his cheeks.

When Christian came, it caught Chad by surprise. The hand in his hair tightened and suddenly, hot come was splashing against the back of his throat. Chad’s heart seemed to stop and start after a long moment, his hips rolling almost frantically into the sheets as he swallowed down each burst of come.

“Chad,” Christian moaned his name again, a low praise, and that was enough to tip Chad over the edge.

He could feel his own orgasm pooling in his boxers as his body twitched through the release, mouth slowly releasing Christian’s cock. Chad dropped down and panted against Christian’s hipbone, sucking in greedy slow lungfuls of the man’s scent. Hottest thing he’d done in _so_ long, definitely worth the come stain he’d surely be sporting in his jeans.

“C’mere.” Christian grumbled, tugging on Chad’s shirt collar feebly.

Chad chuckled softly and forced himself up, climbing up his boyfriend’s body and slipping out of the blanket. He grinned up at Christian and instantly pressed forward, his lips running soft than hard over his boyfriend’s. Within moments, Christian’s tongue thrust forward, sweeping along the inside of Chad’s mouth and gathering the taste of himself. Chad shuddered and moaned, pressing as close as he possibly could and regretting that clothing still separated them.

Christian broke the kiss with a surprised laugh, his hand running along the front of Chad’s jeans. “Seriously? Don’t think I’ve gotten you off like that since you were fifteen.”

Rolling his eyes, Chad dropped down onto the mattress and shook his head. “Whatever. Don’t go thinking it’s some mad skills you have. It’s just… been a while.”

“But you touched yourself, right?” Christian asked quietly, the amusement dropping from his voice as his hand passed through Chad’s hair.

“As little as I could.” Chad admitted just as quietly and sighed. “Just wasn’t the same without you. Could never picture it just right.”

“Jesus.” Christian whispered and curled his arms tight around Chad. “I’m gonna get out of here real soon, I promise. I’ll be all better and I’ll take care of you for a while.”

Chad pulled back a little once more to meet Christian’s eyes and smile. “Maybe we should just take care of each other.”

A smile grew across Christian’s lips and he nodded. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

  


Two days later both Js turned up during Chad’s visit with Christian. They were on the bed in his room, sharing slow, languid kisses when a tap at the door sounded and Jared burst into the room.

“Eww.” Jared groaned and turned quickly to cover Jensen’s eyes. “Don’t look! It will hurt your eyes.”

“Ah yes, our friends in all their glory,” Christian muttered but there was a smile on his lips.

Chad laughed softly and sat up, keeping an eye on Christian as he followed the motion. It seemed Christian had worked extra hard today, he’d been practically trembling when Chad had first come in. “What can we do for you boys?” Chad asked as calmly as he could, laying his hand on Christian’s lower back and massaging slowly.

“Well, we figured you’d be here, Chad, so we thought it best to come talk to you both at the same time.” Jensen said with his usual warm smile, holding up an envelope of papers and shaking them. “We’ve figured out a way to solve your financial issues.”

“Oh?” Christian’s brows arched, his body leaning against Chad’s like it was just a casual motion. Chad could tell he was tired though.

“We’re officially hiring Christian for in-house entertainment. A part of our staff full time which does include a very nice health insurance package.” Jared explained with a grin, tugging a chair over for Jensen then grabbing another for himself.

Chad stared at Jared then Jensen for a long moment before looking at Christian, gauging his reaction. Yeah, he looked just about as shocked as Chad felt.

“But… I won’t be out of here for another three months, maybe a little less but not by much.” Christian shook his head, his brow scrunching up as it always did when he was conflicted with an issue. “How would you get around that?”

“Don’t worry about the logistics, Christian. The point is we’ve got you covered and you _will_ have to come work for us when you’re out of here. Your expenses will be taken care of, and that’s what you really need here.” Jensen was all business now, acting as the manager and co-owner of Eden in a way Chad had never seen face-to-face.

It wasn’t really Chad’s place to talk up now and he knew it. After all, they all knew he’d done what he could to take care of Christian’s finances and it hadn’t done much but apparently make him look like a drug user. So he looked toward his boyfriend, securing an arm around his body to offer him silent support.

“Listen, I understand that you two are trying to help and I appreciate it. We both do.” Christian laid his free hand on Chad’s thigh and smiled softly then shook his head. “But I can’t let you put yourselves at risk like this. You could get in serious trouble if the insurance company found out I wasn’t really working there.”

“No, Christian, you listen.” Jensen scooted forward and just like that he shifted from manager mode to best friend, speaking to Christian on a level that spoke of a lifetime of knowing each other. “I’ve watched Chad hold himself together over the last five years; he’s worked hard to keep your place, to pay your bills, to make sure life would be ready for you when you woke up. And then the moment you woke up, he went out and got a second job so he could cover your bills and put you in this place. So we’re offering you a solution that doesn’t involve practically killing Chad, and you’re taking it.”

The room was almost ringing when Jensen had finished his rant and Chad was staring, a little wide eyed. He’d never heard Jensen stick up for him like this. Of course, he didn’t really need Jensen defending him because it wasn’t really a problem but he was also smart enough to know it wasn’t really about that. Jensen was appealing to Christian’s need to be protective; even though their ages were within months of each other, Christian had always acted as the dominant one in their relationship.

Their roles had been flipped upside down for so long now though, that Chad was having his own internal battle over allowing Christian to burden any of the cost. And it must have been clear on his face that his mind was working overtime because Christian was suddenly touching his cheek, turning him so their eyes could meet.

“Are you okay with this?” He asked quietly. That wasn’t really the question though. It was more, _I know what it’s like to give up that control, are you willing to do that?_

Chad smiled softly. Although he wouldn’t say it out loud, he was actually relieved to think that he might not have to work so hard; he could start enjoying life a little more. “Yeah, I am. If Jared and Jensen honestly think they can do it without getting in trouble, then we should. Besides, don’t I look better when I’ve had a few full nights of sleep?”

Christian laughed and dipped forward, kissing Chad softly. “You look good always. But, alright. As long as you two aren’t going to get in trouble.”

“We won’t,” Jared ensured, beaming at them both and scooting closer. “This is great. Now Chad will have a little more free time to help me plan the wedding. Speaking of, Christian, you need to get better quickly because Jensen needs a best man.”

“Every time you two come here, I feel like I’m getting hit in the back of the head with a bat.” Christian muttered and smiled at the two men to let them know he was joking. “I swear I’m working on the getting better quickly thing. Tell them, Chad.”

“His sex drive is back.” Chad offered, looking at each man in turn as they stared at him. Finally laughing, Chad lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “What? That’s plenty important to me.”

“Why am I not surprised that you two have fooled around in here?” Jensen slumped back in his chair and chuckled softly, pulling out some papers from the envelope and holding them out. “Got to sign some things and you’ll be all set.”

Chad settled back so Christian could take the papers, grabbing a pen from the desk and offering it to his boyfriend. He watched Christian sign where Jensen indicated and smiled, pressing his lips to Christian’s shoulder. It felt strangely significant, like another chapter of their lives starting.

There was no part of Chad that wasn’t looking forward to it.


	5. Chapter 5

  


The moment the apartment door was closed Christian had Chad pinned against it. He'd briefly - or all the time - wondered how it would be when Christian finally came home. After all, there was only so much they could risk doing at the center and Chad had been going crazy these last few months wanting everything with Christian and being forced to wait. But he had been intending to give Christian time to adjust to home life again.

Which wasn't to say he wasn't seriously on board with this unexpected turn of events.

"You've got no idea how bad I want you." Christian growled against Chad's neck, hands fumbling under his t-shirt.

"No, I really think I do." Chad half moaned the words, lifting his arms to help Christian get the offending material off.

"Maybe." Christian conceded and hooked a finger in Chad's belt loop, dragging him across the front room and toward their bedroom. He tugged Chad sharply, crushing their lips together. “Place looks nice,” he mumbled into the kiss, slipping his finger tips just under Chad’s jeans.

“Uh huh.” Chad half gasped, twisting his fingers in the edge of Christian’s shirt and pulling up. He needed skin on skin so much it was almost painful. Waiting had been like a slow and teasing torture. “God I need you, Christian.”

Christian moaned and stepped back, allowing Chad to pull his shirt off before tugging him in once more. “Been waiting so long for this.”

“You’re telling me.” Chad huffed a laugh and pushed into Christian’s body, causing them both to stumble back through the doorway and into the bedroom.

“Have I mentioned how much I love your body now?” Christian slid his hands down Chad’s chest, mapping along defined muscles and curves. “Working out has been good to you.”

Heat burned through Chad as Christian’s fingers grazed with purpose along his nipples, pinching slowly and releasing. He groaned low in his throat and let his fingers fumble along Christian’s jeans. “Wanted to look good for you. Good stress relief too.”

“I’ll show you good stress relief.” Christian grumbled and turned them, pushing Chad back hard until he was dropping onto the bed.

A smirk pulled at Chad’s lips as he kicked off his shoes, sending them flying across the room. “What a line, Kane. Seriously.” He laughed when Christian grabbed his ankles, tugging his socks roughly off then sliding his hands up Chad’s legs. His fingers flicked at the row of buttons on Chad’s jeans, the heel of his palm purposefully sliding over the bulge of arousal.

“Like I needed to use a line on you.” Christian pulled sharply at Chad’s jeans and they slid off in one sharp movement, cool air sliding in a rush across Chad’s skin. Christian’s brows arched up, eyes widening in time. “No underwear? Jesus Chad, slut much?”

Chad laughed and shook his head, pushing up onto his elbows and spreading his legs a little wider. “You love that I’m a slut for you.”

“This is true.” Christian bobbed his head in a nod and bent down, gently running his lips along the inside of Chad’s thighs. “So glad to be out of that stupid place. They kept me too long.”

“Had to make sure you were okay.” Chad insisted, sliding his hand through Christian’s hair slowly. He loved how long it was, the smooth silkiness sliding between his fingers in a gentle glide. “Didn’t want you to come back and not be able to take care of me properly.”

Christian rolled his eyes but the smile on his face was still fond and warm, his hands curling around Chad’s waist and pushing him further up the bed. “Gonna spend a long time properly taking care of you now.”

“Good.” Chad murmured and tightened his hand in Christian’s hair, pulling him up with a sharp tug. When Christian’s body was finally hovering over his, Chad slid his hands down to slip the button free. “Need your skin on mine.”

Their lips met with the rock of their bodies, denim and cotton sliding under Chad’s fingers until he could only feel skin. Then Christian’s cock was running along his and Chad groaned, rocking his body up against the other man’s to remember just how it felt. The rehab center had an amazing workout room and Christian’s boredom had led him to long hours of working out. Chad hadn’t really gotten to appreciate it until now, when his hands were running along muscular arms and broad abs.

“It’s your body that looks so good now.” Chad mumbled into the kiss, molding his fingers along Christian’s back. “You’re gonna make me the envy of many.”

“Think you already were.” Christian laughed into the kiss, rolling his hips down against Chad’s in a slow circle. “Want me to fuck you, Chad?”

The words were growled against Chad’s ear and it was enough to make his blood boil, more than it had already been. “God yes,” Chad choked on the words, hooking a leg around Christian’s waist to draw him in closer.

“You finger yourself thinking about me?” Christian began kissing his way down Chad’s chest, dragging the words through hot puffs of air along his skin.

Trying not to shudder and show Christian just how turned on he was – which was just part of the game they played well – Chad slowly shook his head. “No. I haven’t. Wanted to be tight for you.”

Christian paused, lips parted on Chad’s abs. “Fuck.”

It made Chad smirk and he spread his legs a little wider, slipping his arms under his head and staring down at his boyfriend. “You act like you’re surprised that I’m a cock slut for you.”

“Not surprised, pleased.” Christian hummed softly, continuing to kiss his way along Chad’s hip bones.

It was easy to lose himself in the feel of Christian’s silky warm lips on his skin, like little bursts of sparks spreading out and curling through his system. Christian was intoxicating, like he’d always been, and Chad wanted to lose himself in the man forever. He’d be perfectly content with the idea of not leaving this bed for years.

“Tell me,” Christian moaned, dipping down to run his tongue the full length of Chad’s cock, pulling a long and deep moan from Chad.

Chad felt like his mind was spinning. It had been so long since it was like this; hasty blow jobs and hand jobs under the covers, hoping no one would show up wasn’t nearly as good as what this would be. What it was already.

“I’m so in love with you it hurts.” Chad whispered, the words turning into a gasp when Christian’s finger rubbed along his entrance.

Lips pressed hard against his thigh and Chad could hear him inhale. “Good hurt?”

“Best hurt.” Chad smiled up at the ceiling and reached out, slapping at the nightstand until he could grasp the bottle of lube. Alright, maybe he’d been hoping the sex thing would come sooner rather than later.

“Cock slut.” Christian muttered, laughing as he grabbed the bottle and shifted up onto his knees. “You grew up while I was gone.”

“You weren’t really gone.” Chad whispered, once more laying his head on his arms and looking up at the ceiling. Christian used to call it his douche pose, the classic jock getting a blow job, like a running inside joke in bed.

“But you’re different.” It was a whisper against Chad’s thigh, and he knew it wasn’t meant as a bad thing, just an observation.

Whatever Chad might have had to say to that was gone in a flash with the slide of Christian’s finger into him. One swift movement and Chad could feel the pressure and slight burn. He couldn’t even believe how long it had been since the last time they did this.

Christian’s mouth was heated over his cock, slick lips parted along his skin as his finger worked forward. He added a second within moments, sucking Chad in and nearly swallowing him whole. It took every part of Chad to not thrust up, to not beg for more. There were certainly times when simply relaxing back and enjoying every moment was better than anything else.

The moans falling from Chad’s lips were drawn out, deeper than they’d ever been before, and Chad’s body gently began to writhe along the bed sheets. Their bed, finally them again. So many days, so many nights had passed; Chad had been longing for so very long and finally everything was right.

“You’re thinking.” Christian was suddenly over him, smiling down at Chad with warm, fond eyes. “I can hear your brain churning… sounds painful.”

“Shut up.” Chad muttered, smiling through a lust-blown daze up at Christian.

Christian’s fingers pulled free and Chad groaned, breathing deeply as he watched Christian slowly slick himself. “You ready for me?”

“That’s a resounding duh.” Chad’s laughter was cut off by the sharp intake of air as Christian’s body moved into his, split him open and claimed him once more.

The very first time they’d had sex, Chad had freaked out a little. He’d been nervous and unsure and the entire thing had ended quite awkwardly with him not coming at all and Christian feeling guilty for ages. Chad was nervous now too, only he wasn’t so much worried about not being hard, but what if he was no longer enough?

“Hey,” Christian slid his body forward and cupped Chad’s jaw, forcing their eyes to meet. “Stop thinking.”

“I want to be enough for you.” Chad whispered, eyes fluttering closed for a moment when Christian’s cock filled him completely and the burning pressure was at its most intense.

Their lips met for a slow, lingering moment, and it was one of those times when everything froze. Like the world around them wasn’t big enough to measure this moment and it simply had to shut it down to let it happen. Chad wasn’t sure this logic made a lot of sense but you stopped caring about those things given enough time.

“You will always be more than I deserve.” Christian finally whispered in response as he slid his hips back, cock nearly slipping free of tight heat before thrusting back in.

It was enough to have Chad seeing stars, and he was instantly moaning and rocking back to meet the next thrust. Another thrust forward, deep within him, and Chad’s hand slid up to thread through Christian’s hair. Their bodies rocked together, slid apart, came together again.

“Christian,” Chad moaned, arching up toward him, his heart thundering hard in his chest as he struggled to pull in breaths. Part of him felt like he might black out; the pleasure was just too intense, too perfect.

“Fuck, Chad,” Christian growled and slammed hard forward, thrusting hard right up against Chad’s prostate.

Little sparks of heat flashed across Chad’s vision and he moaned louder, tightening his fingers in Christian’s hair so the man would know he’d hit the right spot. It was all motion then, panted air being shared between brushing lips. Christian thrust over and over, deeper within him, and Chad could feel his orgasm building and rising.

Warm and slightly calloused fingers wrapped around Chad’s cock and he shuddered, knowing he could no longer hold on. His eyes snapped open to lock on his boyfriend’s, fixing there as his muscles began to tense. “Chris…” Chad whispered, gasping at the first tug of release.

Dimly through the blur of his climax he could feel Christian coming in him, could hear the other man’s moan as he slumped down into the mattress. Christian collapsed on him, their mouths meeting in a sloppy, dazed kiss.

When Christian finally pulled free, Chad thought hours might have passed, maybe even days. He didn’t mind. But he did mind Christian moving too far away so he rolled over to follow Christian’s body, pressing hard against his side and half draping across him.

“Better than I remembered.” Christian murmured, running his hand through Chad’s hair and bringing him in for another deep kiss.

Chad smiled into the kiss, draping himself even further over Christian’s body. The way the man was still slightly damp, overheated, breathing deeply, made Chad feel powerful. He pulled back from the kiss and burrowed into Christian’s neck and hair, humming softly.

“Think Jared and Jensen recite poetry to each other after sex?” Christian asked after a while and Chad could hear the smile in his words.

“Hmm, they’re probably too busy singing along to the mood music.” Chad grinned against Christian’s neck, lapping softly at a bead of sweat that still lingered.

“Backstreet Boys you think?” The laughter in Christian’s chest vibrated and echoed through the soft quiet of the room.

Chad smirked and just barely shook his head. “You’re too behind the times, old man, probably Justin Bieber.”

“Who?”

“Trust me. You don’t want to know.” Chad laughed and closed his eyes, tilting to press his ear against Christian’s chest. It was soothing to hear his boyfriend’s heartbeat returning to its normal pace, enough to pull him into a peaceful and content sleep.

  


“I still think they should have gone with the casual look. You know, a polo shirt and dress slacks, tuxes are so overrated.” Christian sighed, shifting from foot to foot as he fidgeted with the fancy clothing.

Chad rolled his eyes but it was impossible to wipe the grin off his face. “But you look so damn sexy in a tux. I honestly want to thank Jared and Jensen for doing the gay forward thing and getting married.”

The smirk that played across Christian’s lips faded after a moment, hands rubbing along his suit coat. “Does that mean you don’t want to get married one day?”

This was part of Christian’s new thing. He’d been out of the rehab center for a little more than a month and he kept having these random moments of inspiration. Like, he wanted to paint their bedroom dark green within a few days of being home. Then, one day the following week he’d written four songs within a ten hour period and insisted all were going to be performed at Eden for his first gig. He wanted to sky dive, get a tattoo, buy a home, adopt a dog.

And now, apparently, his mind was circling around the idea of marriage.

“I didn’t say that,” Chad pointed out. His smile softened and warmed as his fingers slid along Christian’s collar. Jensen had just swung by to drop off their suits for the wedding, which was still a couple of weeks away, but Chad had practically begged and pleaded for Christian to try his on.

So far, it wasn’t working in his favor.

“Christian, stop it.” Chad sighed and flattened his hands on Christian’s chest, dragging down his suit coat. The man looked absolutely gorgeous in the tux. Seriously, he owed Jared and Jensen the biggest thank you gift for getting his boyfriend in fancy clothes. “I never once said that I didn’t want to get married. I just never thought you did.”

“Honestly? Before? I didn’t think it mattered. Maybe it still doesn’t. I mean, we’re going to be together forever whether we’re married or not. We wouldn’t even have to have a ceremony. We could get rings. You know, so people know we’re together.”

Christian was rambling, which was endearing enough to have Chad’s heart swelling. He’d already been home for a month, but Chad still found himself marveling at having him around again. It all boiled down to perfection really, and that was exactly what it was like having his lover by his side again.

“Or…” Christian continued, turning from Chad to look into the mirror once more. “We could get married. By marrying each other, one of us could change our last names. That could be fun. You could be Chad Kane. It’s got a nice ring. Or Christian Murray. Nah, I don’t like that as much. We could take both. Like, Christian and Chad Kane-Murray. Jesus, that’s a mouthful.”

“Is your throat starting to hurt?” Chad asked with a laugh, sliding his arm across Christian’s shoulders and stepping in front of him. He swayed his boyfriend gently back and forth, dipping down to rest his forehead against Christian’s. “Do you need me to take your last name?”

“Need you to?” Christian murmured, arms sliding around Chad’s waist and drawing him in closer.

“To prove to you that I’m going to be around forever.” Chad sighed softly and let his nose brush Christian’s, reassuring and gentle. “Because I will. I’ll take your name, I’ll marry you, I’ll wear a ring. Anything you want if it makes you believe.”

“I do believe.” Christian stepped back a little, frowning up at Chad. “Of course I believe.”

Chad sighed and slid a hand up through his hair. He had a feeling this was going to turn into some kind of fight. He didn’t want it to but by this point, he suspected it was inevitable. “Not really. I mean, you do. I know you can _say_ that you do, and maybe most of you really believes, but not all of you.”

“That’s- how can you even-“ Christian paced a few steps across the room, spinning back to Chad and waving his arms in clear exasperation. “How can you suggest that I don’t truly believe?”

“Because. I know what it’s like to truly believe.” Chad shrugged, wetting his lips slowly before walking over to the bed and dropping down. “You know why I don’t doubt us? Why I never worry about whether we’ll marry, or the fact that you don’t wear anything that automatically indicates you’re in a committed relationship?” Christian just continued to stare so Chad pushed forward, forcing the words to keep coming. “Because I know if I were the one in a coma for five years, you would wait for me. Just like I know you’d give up absolutely everything in the entire world to be with me. How can I doubt with that sort of proof?”

“That’s not knowing, that just… assuming,” Christian muttered. He backed up until he was leaning against the dresser and staring down at his shoes. It was the classic unsure gesture that always settled on Christian’s face when things got too big for his mind to grasp.

Chad wasn’t trying to win the fight necessarily but he certainly wanted to make his point known and it seemed that was about to happen. He smirked slightly and dropped his hand from his hair to his thigh. “Exactly. Now imagine if I had proof, real solid proof… imagine how much easier it would be. And guess what Christian? You have proof. You have five years of it and then some.”

Something seemed to dawn on Christian's face and Chad watched as he pushed away from the dresser and crossed to the side of the bed, stopping just short of kneeling. Which was a good thing - Jared would have killed him if he ruined the suit somehow before the wedding. "God Chad, I'm not just doubting your love, am I? I'm fucking doubting you. What sort of shit boyfriend am I?"

It took all of Chad's self control not to roll his eyes and whack Christian over the back of the head. So he went for a different approach. "Would I really spend ten years of my life with a shit boyfriend? Me? The most awesomest person to ever live?"

For a long moment Christian simply stared and Chad was beginning to wonder if he’d misused his snark. Not like it would be the first time. But then a grin spread across his boyfriend's face and Christian laughed. "Okay. I get it. For some insane reason you've dubbed me worthy of your clearly superior love. I shall accept this and consider myself blessed."

"You’re damn right you shall." Chad grinned as he pushed up off the bed, slipping his arm around Christian’s waist and drawing him in close. "Now let me show you the best part about that tux."

Christian's head tipped back with a moan when Chad's hand purposefully slid over his crotch. "And what's that?"

"Taking it off."

  


“Alright, everyone, shut up for a second.” Chad called over the swell of voices and the words turned to laughter, the crowd as a whole turning to him. Like he had been feeling all day, nerves crawled through Chad at being the center of attention. He hadn’t realized just how much attention the best man got, but then, it was nothing compared to the attention Christian was getting. The man was getting looked at like he’d risen from the grave.

It wasn’t too surprising. Most of these people had known about the coma - and the waking up - but not many had seen him out in public yet. As a result, Chad had tried to take the brunt of the focus away from the man. That’s how he found himself standing and being handed a microphone. Awesome.

“Well, uh, okay I guess I’m supposed to make a speech now.” Chad flinched as his voice echoed through the speakers and held the microphone further away. A warm hand pressed into the back of his thigh and Chad looked over to see Christian, smiling up at him. It went a long way towards settling his nerves.

“I’m assuming all of you here already know Jared and Jensen, or if you’re like me, you’re here because you heard Eden was supplying the food and you’ve been on the wait list for reservations for months so…” He trailed off, pleased to hear the laughter from the reception party.

Looking to his other side, he smiled down at Jared and Jensen. Their smiles were matching, both looking like perfection in their tuxes. Chad had to wonder if their cheeks were starting to hurt because they’d been smiling so much through this entire wedding and it looked a little painful.

“Technically I’m Jared’s best man, which I think by technicalities means I’m supposed to brag about how amazing he is and how Jensen completes him and all that. Which, alright, it’s true but it goes just as much the other way, so I suppose that’s really what makes them work.”

Chad was getting weirdly worked up over this speech thing and that was frustrating more than anything else. He didn’t want to fucking _cry_ … again. Admittedly the wedding had gotten him a little emotional.

“Anyway,” Chad pushed forward, smiling softly down at the table. “Most of you know the things that have happened to me over the last few years, and Jared and Jensen have been there the entire time. They held me up, just like they do with each other, which is why I have no doubt that they’ll make it.”

Christian pushed up from his chair and slid his arm around Chad’s waist, leaning in to talk into the microphone. “Even if Jared showed up at our door once a week, upset because Jensen didn’t like his cooking.”

“I swear that was a misunderstanding!” Jensen called out, which had the whole crowd laughing again.

Chad smiled thankfully at his boyfriend, leaning in until their foreheads touched. Of course he could count on Christian to have his back when he was getting all teary eyed in front of two hundred of Jared and Jensen’s closest family and friends.

“What my boyfriend is really trying to say is,” Christian continued, curling his hand over Chad’s to bring the microphone closer. “Clearly we wish the absolute best for Jared and Jensen. It’s these two men who give the rest of us all hope. And I can only hope my wedding is as colorful and brilliant as this one. To Jared and Jensen.”

Everyone raised their glasses and drank to this but it took Chad a second to remember to bring the glass to his lips. He’d thought they were done with the future wedding conversations but Christian kept throwing it at him in places where he certainly didn’t have the time or ability to make sense of it.

When he glanced down, Jared was looking up at him, mouthing _wedding_? Yeah, of course Jared had to catch that too. Jensen as well, judging by the look on his face.

Chad didn’t have a chance to ask Christian about it. They sat down and almost instantly people started heading up to talk to Jared and Jensen, and then Chad and Christian, like they were the newly married couple. Mostly they were shaking Christian’s hand and telling him how great he looked and wishing them the best on their upcoming _wedding_.

God, this was getting out of hand.

The moment Jared and Jensen were on the floor for their first official wedding dance, Chad spun in his seat to face Christian, eyes wide. “Did we get engaged without me knowing about it?”

“It just slipped out. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that.” Christian smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Honestly, I… don’t be mad. This isn’t a good day to be mad.”

“I’m not mad, just, dude. People are congratulating us on our engagement. You know, the one that hasn’t happened yet. That’s… a bit trippy.” Chad laughed, maybe a bit delirious at this point. Obviously weddings weren’t good for anyone’s sanity.

Christian reached out and cupped Chad’s jaw, bringing him in for a soft, gentle kiss. “We’ve talked about this. We’re on the same page now. We’re not engaged because you would know if I had proposed. Alright?”

It was another one of those situations in which Chad couldn’t help but smile. Their lives were quite obviously, never going to be normal but that was just fine. Really, Chad wouldn’t want it any other way. “Alright.” He nodded and leaned in to deepen the kiss.

When it came down to it, having Christian back with him was the only thing that really mattered anyway.

  


"Just go and talk to him, Kane, please."

"No way dude, he's an asshole. Why does it matter anyway?"

"Because Chad Murray is Jared Padalecki's best friend. If we get in with Chad, we get in with Jared."

"You get in with him. I could care less either way."

Chad wasn't sure if the two boys across the hall realized he could hear them but it didn't seem likely. It wasn't like he didn't know exactly who those two boys were. Practically everyone knew Christian Kane because the boy had taken down a group of seniors. Or so the story went.

Whatever the truth was, Chad did not want to get messed up in anything. He certainly wasn’t going to play into whatever their game was because it seemed lethal for his good standing at the school. If such a thing existed.

“Please Chris? I promise, I’ll do whatever you want, anything. Just talk to him.”

“I hate you. So much.”

“Thank you.”

Chad’s shoulders stiffened because he knew what was going to happen next; the guys were walking over to him and he really had no idea how to act around Christian. What if he said the wrong thing and got punched or something?

“Hey Chad,” Jensen was all bright and cheerful, too much so, completely an act. “What’s up?”

“Uh, not much.” Chad muttered and kicked his shoe against the locker.

“This is my friend Christian, have you met him?” Jensen pushed at Christian’s shoulder then stepped back. “Gotta go, see you two later.” And with that, he was gone.

“Hey.” Christian slid his arms in front of his chest and Chad could _feel_ his glare.

Chad was maybe an inch or two taller but when he turned to meet Christian’s gaze, he found himself stepping back. “Hi.”

“So my friend Jensen has a thing for your friend Jared.” Christian stated, not looking away, hardly even blinking.

The thing about Chad was, he just didn’t do so good with stress or pressure. In this case it resulted in him blurting out the first thing that came to his mind. “That’s gay of him.”

There wasn’t a smile on Christian’s face and it stayed that way. Chad suddenly remembered that the rest of the story about Christian beating up those senior’s had been something to do with one of them picking on Jensen because he liked guys. Crap.

“Jared likes Jensen too.” Chad pressed on, hoping that it would go far to salvage this conversation. And well, keep him from getting an ass kicking.

“Uh huh.” Christian nodded and sighed, finally looking around the hallway. It was one of those looks that was like _I’m so not enjoying being here_ and yeah, Chad felt likewise. “I think you’re an asshole.”

Not that Chad particularly cared what Christian thought but it did make his heart pinch a little and he sneered, trying to convey his annoyance. “Yeah well, you’re a jerkface.”

The words were out before Chad could even think about them. It was stupid, so very stupid, and all because his parents would totally flip if they heard him say anything vulgar and that was a fear deep enough to keep him paranoid even at school. Clearly, Christian had not expected an insult of any sort – however lame. His eyes were wide for a moment, then his lips slowly curved up in a smile.

“A jerkface huh?” Then, in possibly the worst of all reactions, Christian laughed. Like Chad had made a joke when that was the last thing he’d been going for. “Oh my aching heart, it burns. What an insult!”

“Shut up.” Chad grumbled, stepping back a little and rubbing at his chest. He felt like an idiot, only maybe because the way Christian’s laugh sounded was kind of making his heart race.

Christian punched his arm, not hard enough to hurt, and stepped back. “Right. I’ll see you around, Chad.”

“Not if I see you first.” Chad blurted out. _So stupid_. Christian’s laughter grew, trailing behind him as he turned to head down the hall. Chad leaned against the locker and watched him go.

When he finally turned back to his locker, he was smiling and it felt pretty good.


End file.
